private . 19th metal

[godsays]

[ private to anya ]

I think I need help.

[ private to kelsier ]

I want to ask you to keep Vin away from me, but I don't trust you to put my safety over her comfort.

[ Bald and honest. He cares about Kelsier, and Marsh, and it is unbelievably painful to understand that he would be betrayed. ]

[ private to iris ]

You've been killed before. By people here.

[ private to morgana ]

How did you die?

[ a couple days later, private to Cassel ]

I'm sorry I've been so afraid.

Comments

[private]

[fridgetothefire]

[There's a moment of shock, when she reads the message. She had sort of - not that she would ever tell Cassel - written Zane off, for the time being. She can't deal with people who shut down well. Whatever patience she had for that sort of despondency was exhausted by her mother. But Zane isn't giving up after all, or anymore, or at least differently than Magda. He's responding, he's asking, he's trying. So when she manages to school her features into something less deeply affected, and she's sure her voice is steady, she answers.]

Okay.

I'm here. Talk to me.

[Not tell me what you need, because if he knew he wouldn't sound the way he does. But he called; he wants to talk, or at least part of him does, even if that's not what he needs most. It's a place to start.]

[private]

[godsays]

You've been killed by someone on the barge before, haven't you?

[private]

[fridgetothefire]

Yes.

Twice, if you count - the time I told you about, where I finished it.

[private]

[godsays]

The woman who killed me is here.

Charles took away more metals. I - maybe you don't care, because you don't have powers like that. But you know what it's like to be helpless. I couldn't do anything for Cassel, and now he's -

I can't defend myself. I have no control, not even of me. I'm giving up.

[private]

[fridgetothefire]

[She wants to sit him down and diagram it all, dissect him and deal with each organ individually, measure the length of the sinews that tie them together. The woman, helplessness, self-control, Cassel. She isn't sure where to cut first. But the woman is the only new factor, and he opened with death.]

To be perfectly honest, of all the terrible things that have happened to me on or because of this boat, getting killed doesn't crack the top five.

[She doesn't mean it in a dismissive way; she's intimating, or trying to, that the thing he's afraid of is, ironically, survivable, is bearable.]

I mean, it's awful in the moment, it is, the helplessness especially. But you come through it and then it's not as scary. Or it wasn't for me.

And there are. Ways of making yourself safer, that don't all involve being the strongest.

[private]

[onlysurvivor]

[Yep, one day Kelsier is gonna die because of these two. Right now he'll just have a headache.]

You don't have to ask. I don't want either of you killing each other.

[private]

[godsays]

Marsh says I'm becoming a copper savant.

[private]

[onlysurvivor]

Any ill effects?

[private]

[godsays]

So it wouldn't matter if there weren't any?

[private]

[routemistress]

Several times. What about it?

[private]

[godsays]

The one who killed me is here.

How do you - how can you -

[ Exist. Breathe the same air. But, of course, she's a warden, and she's never been helpless as long as he's known her. ]

Never mind. I shouldn't have asked.

[private]

[routemistress]

Zane. D'you want me to come be with you and talk to 'em?

I'm good at letting things go, is 'ow. You're alive now, you're breathing, so whatever they did, it didn't really matter. It didn't touch you.

Are they likely to try it again?

[private]

[godsays]

It did touch me. She made me helpless.

She's a warden.

[ Which doesn't answer likelihood, but answers something else. ]

[ private ]

[youwillgotohell]

[She can't answer right away; something about the timing is too strangely perfect, too ironic, and she laughs alone in her room. She has to get it out before she talks to him, because it's not Zane she's laughing at.]

My destiny and my doom caught up with me.

Why?

[ private ]

[godsays]

That's not very specific.

[ private ]

[youwillgotohell]

I was run through.

[ private ]

[godsays]

What would you do if the person who did it was here?

spam spam spam

[wedonot]

[It turns out Charles doesn't have to find out a way to break the news to Zane, because Zane's apparently found out before he has a chance to tell it to him. The spike of emotion makes Charles race to find him, using the connection Zane had insisted on as a sort of homing beacon to find the Mistborn, and he waits until he finds him before saying anything. He's not sure if he's ever going to be comfortable talking inside his head.]

Are you alright? [It's probably not the best thing to ask, but it's his first priority, because he has no idea how Zane's going to react to this.]

spamma spam spam

[godsays]

[ He made a beeline back to his own room, and that's where Charles finds him; the moment the door opens, he reaches for Dani and picks her up, holds her protective and close to his chest, as he always does when the door is open. He has built her a little house, and Charles watched it, but he didn't make the house into a cage. ]

You heard.

[ Or felt it. This is an indescribable relief to Zane, to know that the connection is real, to know that it functions. ]

spamma spam spam

[wedonot]

I did. [Heard, felt, it's basically the same thing in this situation, and Charles is relieved to see that Zane seems... not calm, but calmer than he could be.

Looks like Kelsier was definitely right about the rabbit after all.]

What happened?

[godsays]

Vin is here.

[ At least this set of emotions is familiar. Helplessness. Anger. Betrayal.

Guilt. ]

private

[patheticvillain]

Why are you apologizing to me?

[His voice is low, blank, free of affect. After all, it's not like he's any good to Zane, so why apologize?]

private

[godsays]

I pulled away from you because it's hard for me to think about losing you. And that was what I thought, every time I was near you: that it would be too hard to survive without you there.

It hurt.

private

[patheticvillain]

Yeah.

Okay.

[It hurt him, too. He doesn't want to say so. But his voice is hoarse from disuse; he's been avoiding almost everyone.]

You still don't need to apologize. It doesn't matter.

private

[godsays]

I hope you're lying. Because if it doesn't matter, then I'm done trying, on this Barge.