godsays | private . 19th metal

private . 19th metal

[ private to anya ]

I think I need help.

[ private to kelsier ]

I want to ask you to keep Vin away from me, but I don't trust you to put my safety over her comfort.

[ Bald and honest. He cares about Kelsier, and Marsh, and it is unbelievably painful to understand that he would be betrayed. ]

[ private to iris ]

You've been killed before. By people here.

[ private to morgana ]

How did you die?

[ a couple days later, private to Cassel ]

I'm sorry I've been so afraid.

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Then 'e won't. Cassel's as trustworthy as I am. Which is to say not at all, but I don't make a promise without I know I can keep it.

He meant he wouldn't graduate without me, when he said that.

But he is. He's going to. I can see it.

'E's not in charge of 'ow fast 'e grows. 'E is in charge of whether 'e's there for you, and 'e won't let you down on that score. No matter what.

He can't be the same if he's a warden.

No, 'e'll be better. Zane, nothing alive ever stops changing; you'll only break your 'eart over and over if you make your love conditional on it. Look 'ow much you've changed already. You won't lose Cassel and you won't lose me. No matter what. The likes of him and me, we don't break promises.

It's not that he's changing. It's that he's changing and I can't figure out how to go with him.

Just keep breathing and stay in touch, you plonker. Cassel loves you too. 'E won't let go of you.

It's hard to think about.

It's hard to look at him.

Zane, I love you like a deeply awkward baby brother, but you're not 'alf a drama queen sometimes.

Give it time. People are 'ard sometimes. That's normal.

I don't want it to hurt so much.

...I know, love. I know. 'Old up, I'm coming over.

[Zane's starting to sound like a five-year-old again and the way to answer that isn't in words. Iris is just going to go over and snuggle him for a while instead.]

[ This reaction makes it clear to him how pathetic he's been. How useless and emotional. ]

No.

[It's not immediately clear whether this is a no that leaves room for further discusson or not; Zane could do either, and Iris doesn't back off easily.

She goes with compromise.]

...All right. If you're sure. I'll pop along after I talk to 'er, though, all right?

Edited 2013-08-15 19:34 (UTC)

I shouldn't have said that.

Well, you did and I already messaged 'er. Don't fret. I love you, you plonker.

[Some time later, after this conversation, there's a knock.]

...Zane? It's me.

[ He's spent much of the intervening time rebuking himself. It is true that his connection with Cassel hurts, and the prospect of it being severed or made more distant hurts in a peculiar way he's hardly felt before. But that doesn't excuse saying it. That doesn't excuse bringing it from shadow to real, by giving it name and word. If he didn't want to hurt sometimes, he shouldn't have let Cassel get close.

And he certainly shouldn't have revealed any of the closeness between them to someone else. Why did he do that? Why does he keep doing that?

When he comes to the door, he's holding Dani in his arms. She seems a bit irate, having been interrupted in the middle of a nap, but Zane won't let her loose on the floor while the door is open. He's very careful. ]

...you still came.

[ He isn't sure how he feels about that. ]

I said I would, didn't I?

[It's not a good idea to glomp someone cradling a fragile, furry mammal, so she lays a hand on Zane's arm instead, and peers at the rabbit.]

'Ey there, fluffy. Blimey, if it weren't for the ears you could 'ardly tell which end is which. She doing all right?

[ He shifts his arm a little, to show her the head and the lion-mane sort of fur around it. ]

With this you can tell well enough.

She's eating.

[ He has a little house built for her in a corner (no mesh to make it a cage, though), some spread-out and scattered hay on the ground, and a little dish with a tiny bit of carrot and apple on it, both with nibbled marks. ]

[It's adorable, in a uniquely Zaneish way, how he takes her literally, and it makes Iris smile and squeeze him arm.]

Good. Vin said she were planning on avoiding you. I said I thought that were a good idea. I think it'll be all right, love, I do.

[She subject-changes without a breath, hoping to short-circuit Zane getting into conversation infinity loop mode.]

I like the little 'ouse. Lara's talkin' about getting Morgana a puppy.

[ And they talked. Zane feels his stomach sink. And he would have tried to push the conversation into a loop, away from the things he doesn't want to talk or think about, but Iris pre-empts the pattern.

He blinks. ]

Why do you think I would be concerned about Morgana?

[ He is unnecessarily defensive, thinking only a second after he says it that maybe she just means he should make her dog a little house too. ]

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