godsays | private . 19th metal

private . 19th metal

[ private to anya ]

I think I need help.

[ private to kelsier ]

I want to ask you to keep Vin away from me, but I don't trust you to put my safety over her comfort.

[ Bald and honest. He cares about Kelsier, and Marsh, and it is unbelievably painful to understand that he would be betrayed. ]

[ private to iris ]

You've been killed before. By people here.

[ private to morgana ]

How did you die?

[ a couple days later, private to Cassel ]

I'm sorry I've been so afraid.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[She does laugh, then, has to press a hand over her mouth to quiet it quickly.]

He is here. He's been here since the day I arrived. [Her voice is strained, to say the least.]

...who?

Merlin. [She almost tells him, he used to be my friend. It almost slips out. She bites it back.]

He works in the infirmary. When I'm not there.

How do you live with him around?

I don't know. I can't stand it. And it's clear enough that there's nothing I can do.

The woman who killed me is here. She just got here.

Does she know you're here yet?

Yes.

And she's a warden, too. [ The same as Merlin. ]

[It's like mirrored situations, and she doesn't know if it's funny or awful]

How did you die?

I was trying to kill her.

I wanted her to help me get free, but in the end, she wouldn't.

[A few beats, and she decides maybe she can share some things with him.]

He was one of my closest friends.

I killed him not long after I came here. [He let me is the real truth, but she doesn't want to think on that too long.]

If I kill her, it'll make everything worse. Everyone will choose her over me. I don't want to be alone.

They might choose her anyway.

[ A beat. ]

I thought I knew her. I thought she could be the most important person to me.

Edited 2013-08-15 00:21 (UTC)

[Oh my god Zane you are literally her in boy shape]

And she turned on you.

She chose - my half-brother.

[wow this is not okay

She laughs again, except it sounds a bit like she might scream or cry.]

So did Merlin. He chose my half-brother. Everyone did. [It's possible she didn't mean to say that.]

[ How did he miss this? How did he not know that there was someone here so like him? Not like Cassel, not a mirror, but a twin. ]

I still don't understand why she did. Powerful men... they always use their tools. Even if they love them, they use them.

You don't deserve to be a tool. [She's wondering the same, except it scares her, too; she doesn't want to find this has all been a lie, though she doesn't see how he could have known enough about her life to imitate it.]

You're more than that.

It doesn't matter anymore. If she's here, and this is just going to be taken away from me, then this place isn't the chance it looked like it was.

This place is a nightmare. It always has been. I'm sorry it's let you down.

Almost as much of a nightmare as what came before.

Almost.

[She pauses, locks her jaw, and there's a moment when she decides to speak, to just say it all out loud, because maybe he won't look at her like she's deserving of pity.]

I'd like to help you, but I don't know how. I don't know how to help anyone, least of all myself.

I feel like I'm waiting to disappear. I hope you don't.

[ I hope you don't. This, more than anything else that someone has said to him today, makes him breathe. He exhales, and it seems that a rough, angry, painful knot in his chest has come undone. Leaving a dozen others, perhaps, but a relief nonetheless. ]

We're family. You know that, don't you? Not the same blood. Better than blood.

Are we? [Her family doesn't have the best luck, but maybe he's right. Better than blood.]

I wish I'd known you sooner.

We have time.

[ Blood is useless, as far as he's concerned, now. It ties you down and doesn't help you. It makes you weak. ]

[There is the faintest smile.]

Too much.

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