godsays | private . 19th metal

private . 19th metal

[ private to anya ]

I think I need help.

[ private to kelsier ]

I want to ask you to keep Vin away from me, but I don't trust you to put my safety over her comfort.

[ Bald and honest. He cares about Kelsier, and Marsh, and it is unbelievably painful to understand that he would be betrayed. ]

[ private to iris ]

You've been killed before. By people here.

[ private to morgana ]

How did you die?

[ a couple days later, private to Cassel ]

I'm sorry I've been so afraid.

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[There's a moment of shock, when she reads the message. She had sort of - not that she would ever tell Cassel - written Zane off, for the time being. She can't deal with people who shut down well. Whatever patience she had for that sort of despondency was exhausted by her mother. But Zane isn't giving up after all, or anymore, or at least differently than Magda. He's responding, he's asking, he's trying. So when she manages to school her features into something less deeply affected, and she's sure her voice is steady, she answers.]

Okay.

I'm here. Talk to me.

[Not tell me what you need, because if he knew he wouldn't sound the way he does. But he called; he wants to talk, or at least part of him does, even if that's not what he needs most. It's a place to start.]

You've been killed by someone on the barge before, haven't you?

Yes.

Twice, if you count - the time I told you about, where I finished it.

The woman who killed me is here.

Charles took away more metals. I - maybe you don't care, because you don't have powers like that. But you know what it's like to be helpless. I couldn't do anything for Cassel, and now he's -

I can't defend myself. I have no control, not even of me. I'm giving up.

[Yep, one day Kelsier is gonna die because of these two. Right now he'll just have a headache.]

You don't have to ask. I don't want either of you killing each other.

Marsh says I'm becoming a copper savant.

Any ill effects?

So it wouldn't matter if there weren't any?

It would just make you frustratingly difficult to find.

Then forget it.

[ Yes. Yes it has ill effects, but more important than that, to Zane, is what made him do it in the first place. They all prefer him helpless. And why shouldn't they? He'll kill fewer people this way. His instability matters less. ]

Keep her away from me. Or don't.

[She wants to sit him down and diagram it all, dissect him and deal with each organ individually, measure the length of the sinews that tie them together. The woman, helplessness, self-control, Cassel. She isn't sure where to cut first. But the woman is the only new factor, and he opened with death.]

To be perfectly honest, of all the terrible things that have happened to me on or because of this boat, getting killed doesn't crack the top five.

[She doesn't mean it in a dismissive way; she's intimating, or trying to, that the thing he's afraid of is, ironically, survivable, is bearable.]

I mean, it's awful in the moment, it is, the helplessness especially. But you come through it and then it's not as scary. Or it wasn't for me.

And there are. Ways of making yourself safer, that don't all involve being the strongest.

I'm helpless now. It doesn't end. I don't come through it. I just get more helpless.

[So there are ill effects.]

Zane. What do you need?

She killed me!

[ He deserved it. Without a doubt he deserved it, and he would have done the same and worse in her circumstances. And yet. ]

Several times. What about it?

The one who killed me is here.

How do you - how can you -

[ Exist. Breathe the same air. But, of course, she's a warden, and she's never been helpless as long as he's known her. ]

Never mind. I shouldn't have asked.

The Lord Ruler killed me.

I know what happened, Zane. What do you need now?

The Lord Ruler isn't a warden with power over you.

Zane. D'you want me to come be with you and talk to 'em?

I'm good at letting things go, is 'ow. You're alive now, you're breathing, so whatever they did, it didn't really matter. It didn't touch you.

Are they likely to try it again?

It did touch me. She made me helpless.

She's a warden.

[ Which doesn't answer likelihood, but answers something else. ]

You're right.

[A terrible thought occurs to him.] What if that changed?

But you're 'ere now, surrounded with people that care about you. She couldn't take that away and she probably doesn't want to, Zane.

'Ave you talked to 'er?

What if the Lord Ruler came here?

It wasn't a long conversation.

She hates me.

And how many people are there, really? Charles is more concerned with his friend. Cassel is - [ He bites off the words. ]

Kelsier would choose her. So would Marsh. Chris hasn't forgiven me. When I killed Touko, I betrayed everyone who got close enough to trust me.

The whole point of this boat is that we don't any of us 'ave to make those choices. She and Marsh and Kelsier and me all agreed to that when we came aboard. She can feel 'ow she likes, Zane, but if she touches you outside of self-defense, she's out. They can feel 'ow they like, but it's their job to protect you. Same like it's mine and especially Charles, no matter what 'e's going through. Same like every warden on this boat.

All you can see from where you're sitting is power over you, but you're ignoring the other 'alf of that equation. You saw Tosh get knocked down for it. Is this woman liable to do the same?

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