godsays | private . 19th metal

private . 19th metal

[ private to anya ]

I think I need help.

[ private to kelsier ]

I want to ask you to keep Vin away from me, but I don't trust you to put my safety over her comfort.

[ Bald and honest. He cares about Kelsier, and Marsh, and it is unbelievably painful to understand that he would be betrayed. ]

[ private to iris ]

You've been killed before. By people here.

[ private to morgana ]

How did you die?

[ a couple days later, private to Cassel ]

I'm sorry I've been so afraid.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I said I won't! I'm not lying.

You can't lock me in a rabbit house.

I'll put a lock on it.

[ He couldn't even lock his rabbit in. ]

Then I'll turn myself into a rabbit.

[This makes perfect sense.]

At least I'd be able to keep an eye on you.

By keeping me in a cage.

...I'm sorry.

I know. Me too.

I feel weak.

I do, too. But I know it's not the same.

Why did you start talking to me now? [He wonders if anything's changed.]

I felt a little less close to giving up.

[And suddenly there's something other than desperation in his voice. Good. So, so good.]

I'm glad.

The woman who killed me is here.

Oh. Shit. What the hell.

What are you gonna do?

I can't do anything.

I don't mean about her. I know you can't do anything about her, maybe nobody can. I mean for you. So it doesn't feel like that's the only thing on the boat for you now.

Because it's not. And I'll - if I can help, I'll help.

I can't do anything for me either. I couldn't stop you from being hurt, I can't control myself, I can't even get my powers back, and I certainly can't stop her from doing what she wants, because she's a warden and Kelsier loves her more than he could love me.

I have never been so helpless.

Yes you have. Just a couple days ago. You said you didn't feel like giving up anymore. So something changed. It'll keep changing.

I said I feel less like giving up.

Hey. Zane.

What?

I love you.

I'm having trouble thinking of reasons to try anymore. I don't believe I'll succeed here. I think all the Barge has done is show me that my failures are my fault.

Okay. Here are some reasons.

Even if everything's your fault, which I don't think is true, at least now you know. You're here and you know and you can figure out where to go from here. It sucks and it hurts but eventually it'll suck less and hurt less, and when that happens it'll be worth it, I swear it will.

You know what the worst feels like now. You know what it's like to be totally hopeless. This is as bad as it's going to get - unless you just lie down and refuse to get up, in which case yeah, that is your fault because you're smarter and quicker and better to me than almost anybody else here. Giving up and not trying and hiding away from people hurts more than anything, I know, that's what I've been doing for like a week and a half.

There are like a billion people here who love you. I bet you've been pestered by them nonstop. Even Chris, he's gonna forgive you, he's gonna worry, he's probably worrying now, even. He doesn't stay mad. He's the most forgiving person I've ever met, way more than me, and he loves you like family just like I do.

You're the only person I've ever let touch my emotions on purpose. I trust you. You're the second person here I trusted, the first person stronger than me. I'm gonna have your back no matter what, but if you don't think you matter enough to fight for yourself, then I definitely don't.

If you give up now, all you're proving is that you're as weak as you think you are, but if you push you'll prove that you're not helpless and you're not weak and you can't be defeated, not anymore, that nothing can fuck you up badly enough to knock you down forever. Because it can't. I know. I've seen what you can do.

You could lead armies. You can survive Silent Hill. You can get me to trust you, you can sure as hell get over this.

Edited 2013-08-17 03:17 (UTC)

I couldn't lead armies. I was unstable. And Silent Hill was - it was pulls on my control. It was fracturing it. But it never broke it.

The only thing strong enough to break it was someone hurting you.

Which isn't going to happen again.