060th metal

[godsays]

I wanted to talk about the Barge.

[ He's in the garden again, the garden that's going to become lonely without Morgana. (Visible in the shot is a certain special, elaborate, beautiful flower that he's threatened people over before.) ]

I got here... it's been almost two years for me, though less for the people here. I graduated in five months. That time was terrifying, and painful, and wonderful. I changed so much. But I've changed more since then. It was just a step, not an ending.

I think it's hard to be a warden because what the Admiral does, sometimes, isn't fair. He takes people who have suffered and hurt and lost and makes them suffer more. He traps people who have been trapped their whole lives, and he's not concerned with anyone calling it wrong.

I know - I know inmates have almost always hurt people. I know the Barge changes us into people who don't. I think the way that happens is that it makes us not alone anymore. It shows us mirrors of ourselves. It shows us love. It hurts us and shows us that we can heal.

[ He's started to cry, tears spilling over, though his expression doesn't change. ]

I was never loved. You, all of you who were, you're so lucky. I thought that a son should love his father, and so I let him use me, and I gave him everything he expected. I killed, and I watched, and - I even tried to kill him sometimes, because he expected it, and he would have thought I was weak if I hadn't. Then, when I became too skilled, he tried to dispose of me, and when that didn't work, he tried to buy me, and I...

You don't know how lucky you are. You don't know how it changes everything when people love you.

[ He wipes tears away. ]

It's not going to be the same without Morgana.

[ spam for sylvanas ]

[ He stops by her cabin, after making the post. Just a check-in, which he does every once in a while, making sure she's all right, that she doesn't need anything. He knocks, because he never comes in without asking - at least, not until Lirath's opened the door for him. ]

Comments

[routemistress]

This is just one reason I love you, my phoenix.

[Because she wasn't loved either, because that's why Iris is constantly starved for it too, and sometimes like calls to like.]

Sometimes I feel like we're the lucky ones. Knowing from the start never to take love for granted.

[godsays]

I don't think so. Not having it does things to people.

[spam, later] [placeholder-ish]

[americasdirtiest]

[Mickey has never seen the value in talking things out. Things happen or they don't, you feel this way or that way about it... he's never understood why talking about it is supposed to help. It seems to him like all it would do is bring it all up again. So he tunes out quickly the second Zane starts, and if his hands weren't currently full (with a bottle in one and a smoke in the other) he'd probably just switch off entirely. Zane's isn't a face he really wants to look at right now.

That changes when he hears something in Zane's voice and looks over to see the tears falling. That's-- It's--

Men don't cry in the Milkovich family. Real Men don't cry in public where he comes from, no matter what their name is. And if they do, they definitely don't do it while talking about their dads and love and stuff. Even if Mickey hadn't learned that from his dad as a kid, he would have learned it pretty damn fast in juvie, where any guy who shed a tear might as well have been wearing a target on his back.

But Zane doesn't look even a little embarrassed or nervous or defensive or anything, and that shakes Mickey, because he would have readily called Zane a Real Man at any time before now. He saw him dive into 407 to save Jerry; he's heard him talk on the network. He's a stone-fucking-cold killer.

And he's right -- because Mickey is a son who wanted to love his father, too -- and he's crying, and he doesn't seem to care, and that doesn't add up at all in Mickey's head. He's literally never seen it before in a real guy, like, one he's talked to, one not on the TV. Shit, even Ian doesn't cry in front of him.

He doesn't even think of responding on the network. He has absolutely no idea what he would say. He waits and watches the responses come in, silently transfixed. And whenever Zane leaves the garden, Mickey is still there on the deck. He's sitting far from the exit, over by the railing, but he's staring right at the door in a way that makes it clear he's been staring for a while.]

[spam, later]

[godsays]

[ When he steps out, he feels someone's eyes. He doesn't think he's ever spoken with Mickey, but he's seen him - Chris and Cassel know him. They've talked on the network before. The gaze isn't accusing or predatory. Is it about the post? What's holding him back?

Zane burns zinc/brass and Riots, delicately, on curiosity, and intrigue, and a feeling of comfort and safety. He Soothes, on the other hand, discomfort, fear, uncertainty. He can understand someone being shy of him. He can also understand someone being shy to confront the sort of feelings that Zane faces every day. After all, he had been afraid to touch them once upon a time.

He makes his way towards the railing, and leans his palms against it, a few meters down from Mickey. ]

spam

[forsaken_queen]

[She saw his post. She'd considered answering it for all of two seconds before shutting her comm down completely.

You're so lucky. It's offensive to her very core. Her warden is a child and a fool. It's what she repeats to herself, so she doesn't say it out loud to his face. He's grieving, and it's the only excuse she accepts for spouting such reckless nonsense to the whole boat.

She's determinedly doing anything but listening to further discussions on the topic. Her choice of "anything" being looking over lines of Latin Vergil had written and translated into Common, or English as he called it. It was something to focus on that wouldn't set her temper off.

And then there was the knock at her door. It takes only a moment to know it isn't Vergil, and she'd be able to sense if it was Arthas, so she intends to ignore it. But once again Lirath has other ideas. It's Zane at the door and Lirath hasn't seen him in aaages. The big cat opens the door and greets Zane with exuberance, nuzzling at his hand insistently for pets.]

spam

[godsays]

[ He crouches to greet the big cat, letting him nuzzle at his hands, scratching at his fur. ]

I brought her a treat. Do you mind? [ This, to Sylvanas. ]

[fireincarnate]

[Jean was pretty sure she'd stopped crying, but now her eyes are red and burning. How can she be so happy and so sad at the same time?]

No, it won't. [Her voice is soft, and hoarse.]

[She closes her eyes, for a moment, wills the tears away - at least for a while.] And you're right. I've - I have memories of lives where I wasn't. It's not the same, but I...it changed me so much.

[godsays]

It lets you understand.

[ Maybe not know, maybe not experience it all the time, but there is understanding. ]

[hellofist]

[Cass runs.

It isn't frantic, it's only efficient. She takes turns without slowing, leaps up the stairs, all of it with the singular purpose of reaching Zane as quickly as she can so she can minimize the amount of time he spends crying by himself.

She isn't used to seeing people doing that so freely. When she's cried herself, it's been unexpected, she hadn't even realized it until she noticed wetness on her cheeks and blurry vision. Almost every time it had been because of Stephanie, because the loss of her shook something so deep in Cass she had no idea how to cope with it. Stephanie had been the start of so much for Cass, and losing her had been unbearable at times.

Morgana leaving will be hard, she knows that. But Morgana is alive, and it's hard to be unhappy that she's leaving when she deserves to so very much, but there's more to Zane's tears than Morgana's departure. That's what makes her run, and when she reaches the door she doesn't pause to catch her breath, she just pushes straight through and finds Zane as quickly as she can, drawing up close to him and putting her hand on his shoulder, turning him towards her lightly. She's going to hug him, pull him in and likely not let go, but first she makes sure he knows who it is grabbing onto him.]

Zane.

[godsays]

[ He expected her to see it, and the fact that it's so quick means he feels lighter as soon as he turns to look at her. (She would know where he is; he makes no secret of the flower, and that it's particular for him, and special.) She joins him on the grass and he buries his face in her shoulder. ]

I'm so happy for her.

[ This isn't actual distress. It's just - it's something else. ]

[audio]//[private]

[400yearsofsurvival]

Love?!

[ He scoffs the word, like it's some sort of joke.]

You think that's what we all need?

[audio]//[private]

[godsays]

No. It's just one of the things.

[warisart]

Do you feel the same when love isn't enough, but only serves to cause pain when one is pulled from another?

[godsays]

I've never felt that before.

But I think - love never is just one thing. You had to have it before you lost it. And what's learned from having it can still be important.

[voice ; private]

[walkingmeltdown]

[He's been keeping a listless eye on the network all this week, but rarely responding to anything. This however...a few things about it catch his attention. Hit him hard enough in ways he can't ignore, to the point where he's moved to respond.]

What is all of this now. What's gotten into you, today?

[The words might seem taunting but his voice is too cold. He's closed-off in a way that's rather calculated. Purposeful.]

I had no idea that she meant so much to you.

[voice ; private]

[godsays]

She and I are alike in too many ways. The painful ways.

[ And some seemed just like extra, cruel coincidences: that the acknowledgment and the power went to their half-brothers, that their skills were kept secret and shameful for much of their lives. ]

[patheticvillain]

That's not thinking. That's knowing.

It wouldn't have happened like it did if we hadn't both been there. It wouldn't have happened like it did for her if you hadn't been there. You know that, right?

[godsays]

Yes. I know. We all changed each other.

garden spam

[exnihilo]

[Two days later, when she's awake. She doesn't scour the network, but she glanced - and. So she slips into the garden, skulks in her shy, prickly sort of way, draws closer to where he's watering lilies.]

How do you tell the difference? Between love and - lies.

garden spam

[godsays]

[ He's weeding.

For Zane, often this means removing the plants and planting them somewhere else. He doesn't really like killing anything. Some of the ugly ones, that don't do much but suck the life out of the plants around them, he kills. The rest - even weeds are beautiful. There are dandelions and wildflowers in parts of the garden, and he likes it that way.

He glances up to her, and there's a long pause before he answers. It's complicated. ]

One makes you feel like you're good enough. The other makes you feel like you're not.

i am sorry this is late and also that arthas is a jackass

[darknessb4me]

You are embarrassing yourself.

no i love him

[godsays]

How?

private;

[freezerburns]

[It's almost eerie, how much he truly gets some of the stuff Zane says. They're oddly-shaped echoes of thoughts he's had before, and the way they strike at some core part of himself makes him pause for a while. And maybe the question he asks isn't going to be received well but he can't quite bring himself to jump into without love I'd be an inmate too or is it wrong to still sorta love someone who hurt you that bad? without a little conversation first.]

So what... happened? With your dad?

private;

[godsays]

He died.

[ Zane didn't kill Straff, but Straff most definitely died. ]

Not very long after I did.

[spam]

[heisrisen]

[He's losing his mind.

He's losing his mind, again, because he went through that damn door, because he hoped he could change something about the barge for the better. What a farce.

He lies on Zane's bed, eyes staring at the ceiling, mind watching baleful crackles of fear and slick burgundy undertows of anger and resentment ripple and writhe in his second sight like a malignant aurora. He doesn't feel peaceful, now that he's penned his emotions into a manageable frame, not the way he did when he was dead, just - flat, dull. He'd thought having control of his wild emotions would help him feel steady, but it doesn't matter at all. He's been losing time in fits and starts since yesterday, and poking in is own memories with all the unpleasant dispassion of a twenty-first century dentist reveals gaps, cracks that could become chasms. If this is like last time, it will get worse as they converge. Nothing to be done about it.

Despair is sort of beautiful, he reflects, in his synesthesia's secondhand parsing. Royal purple, thick, gelatinous, staining everything else.

Losing time doesn't matter if he doesn't move.]

[spam]

[godsays]

[ Zane comes back a little angry. It's not unmanageable. He could push it down and forgive if he wanted to. He doesn't want to.

He slips down next to Aslan, gives him a hard prod to scoot him over. ]

I think you should have warned her, about becoming human.