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060th metal
I wanted to talk about the Barge.
[ He's in the garden again, the garden that's going to become lonely without Morgana. (Visible in the shot is a certain special, elaborate, beautiful flower that he's threatened people over before.) ]
I got here... it's been almost two years for me, though less for the people here. I graduated in five months. That time was terrifying, and painful, and wonderful. I changed so much. But I've changed more since then. It was just a step, not an ending.
I think it's hard to be a warden because what the Admiral does, sometimes, isn't fair. He takes people who have suffered and hurt and lost and makes them suffer more. He traps people who have been trapped their whole lives, and he's not concerned with anyone calling it wrong.
I know - I know inmates have almost always hurt people. I know the Barge changes us into people who don't. I think the way that happens is that it makes us not alone anymore. It shows us mirrors of ourselves. It shows us love. It hurts us and shows us that we can heal.
[ He's started to cry, tears spilling over, though his expression doesn't change. ]
I was never loved. You, all of you who were, you're so lucky. I thought that a son should love his father, and so I let him use me, and I gave him everything he expected. I killed, and I watched, and - I even tried to kill him sometimes, because he expected it, and he would have thought I was weak if I hadn't. Then, when I became too skilled, he tried to dispose of me, and when that didn't work, he tried to buy me, and I...
You don't know how lucky you are. You don't know how it changes everything when people love you.
[ He wipes tears away. ]
It's not going to be the same without Morgana.
[ spam for sylvanas ]
[ He stops by her cabin, after making the post. Just a check-in, which he does every once in a while, making sure she's all right, that she doesn't need anything. He knocks, because he never comes in without asking - at least, not until Lirath's opened the door for him. ]
[ He's in the garden again, the garden that's going to become lonely without Morgana. (Visible in the shot is a certain special, elaborate, beautiful flower that he's threatened people over before.) ]
I got here... it's been almost two years for me, though less for the people here. I graduated in five months. That time was terrifying, and painful, and wonderful. I changed so much. But I've changed more since then. It was just a step, not an ending.
I think it's hard to be a warden because what the Admiral does, sometimes, isn't fair. He takes people who have suffered and hurt and lost and makes them suffer more. He traps people who have been trapped their whole lives, and he's not concerned with anyone calling it wrong.
I know - I know inmates have almost always hurt people. I know the Barge changes us into people who don't. I think the way that happens is that it makes us not alone anymore. It shows us mirrors of ourselves. It shows us love. It hurts us and shows us that we can heal.
[ He's started to cry, tears spilling over, though his expression doesn't change. ]
I was never loved. You, all of you who were, you're so lucky. I thought that a son should love his father, and so I let him use me, and I gave him everything he expected. I killed, and I watched, and - I even tried to kill him sometimes, because he expected it, and he would have thought I was weak if I hadn't. Then, when I became too skilled, he tried to dispose of me, and when that didn't work, he tried to buy me, and I...
You don't know how lucky you are. You don't know how it changes everything when people love you.
[ He wipes tears away. ]
It's not going to be the same without Morgana.
[ spam for sylvanas ]
[ He stops by her cabin, after making the post. Just a check-in, which he does every once in a while, making sure she's all right, that she doesn't need anything. He knocks, because he never comes in without asking - at least, not until Lirath's opened the door for him. ]
cw: homophobic language
But the feelings dull quickly again, the usual flash of fury smothered, and Zane's words sink in. What else can Mickey say but yes, yes, yes to all of it? And yet even now, some hidden remnant of filial piety tugs at him.]
He just wanted me to be like the rest of us. Our family, our 'hood.
[Except that he knows, now, that there are plenty of people in his 'hood, and even in his family, who wouldn't do what Terry Milkovich had to get the queer out of his son.]
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[ Everyone is pieces of the things they've touched, Zane thinks. He has Straff in him. And he has a noblewoman who didn't know better, and he has Vin and Cassel and Morgana and the Emperor. Family and not family. ]
He should have been proud of you.
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One part of what he is, anyway. There's still a lot left he doesn't know. He breathes in slowly and exhales in a sigh, pulling away, turning to look off the side.]
He couldn't handle it. Turned out to be kind of a fucking pussy, actually. Who-- why does anyone give a shit who anyone else wants to bang or be with or whatever? I mean-- really. I thought I got it for years, and now I just... don't.
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There are a lot of answers. People want the world to be like them, and they want themselves to be like the world. There's fear there, too.
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[To be like everyone else, he thinks; to be like the world, like Zane said. He's learned that there are places for him to be sort of like other people, places where he can kiss his boyfriend without fear, but he's still not sure that he really belongs anywhere at all.
It doesn't matter. With the warm pressure of Zane's Soothing fading away, the discomfort starts to rise in him, just as keen as ever. He shoots Zane a quick glance out of the corner of his eye and shrugs, biting his lip.]
Anyway, whatever. Just some queer-bashing asshole, in the end. Now he's in jail and so am I.
[There's a different tone to his voice, now. One that seems to be calling a close to the conversation.]
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[ Which can be hopeful, or it can be not. Zane is aware the words might not be exactly comforting, but it can mean that there's another chance to get it right.
Zane doesn't have that. ]
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He fucking will be if he ever comes near me and Ian again.
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It's not like it's something he's ashamed of, not anymore. The ring on his finger might as well be for Ian as for his actual wife. He's started toying with the idea of telling people that it is for Ian. After all, all of this is.]
That's what I'm trying to do.
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[ For Ian. ]
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I can. I am.
[On this point, his doubts are different. He might not be able to give voice to his feelings easily, and he might be nervous in the face of the mountain of adversity lying before him, but his commitment hasn't wavered for a second. Not one second. Not since Ian came back into his life.]
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Why choose the Barge?
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[And again, there's a note of firm finality to it: cross no further, Zane, for this line of questioning stops here.]