godsays | 060th metal

060th metal

I wanted to talk about the Barge.

[ He's in the garden again, the garden that's going to become lonely without Morgana. (Visible in the shot is a certain special, elaborate, beautiful flower that he's threatened people over before.) ]

I got here... it's been almost two years for me, though less for the people here. I graduated in five months. That time was terrifying, and painful, and wonderful. I changed so much. But I've changed more since then. It was just a step, not an ending.

I think it's hard to be a warden because what the Admiral does, sometimes, isn't fair. He takes people who have suffered and hurt and lost and makes them suffer more. He traps people who have been trapped their whole lives, and he's not concerned with anyone calling it wrong.

I know - I know inmates have almost always hurt people. I know the Barge changes us into people who don't. I think the way that happens is that it makes us not alone anymore. It shows us mirrors of ourselves. It shows us love. It hurts us and shows us that we can heal.

[ He's started to cry, tears spilling over, though his expression doesn't change. ]

I was never loved. You, all of you who were, you're so lucky. I thought that a son should love his father, and so I let him use me, and I gave him everything he expected. I killed, and I watched, and - I even tried to kill him sometimes, because he expected it, and he would have thought I was weak if I hadn't. Then, when I became too skilled, he tried to dispose of me, and when that didn't work, he tried to buy me, and I...

You don't know how lucky you are. You don't know how it changes everything when people love you.

[ He wipes tears away. ]

It's not going to be the same without Morgana.

[ spam for sylvanas ]

[ He stops by her cabin, after making the post. Just a check-in, which he does every once in a while, making sure she's all right, that she doesn't need anything. He knocks, because he never comes in without asking - at least, not until Lirath's opened the door for him. ]

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I never noticed. [But he didn't make it a habit to care too much about who most of his allies associated with, outside of him.]

...I'll miss her too.

We weren't loud about it. We just found out, one day, and then it was all different.

I just tried to convince her she was loved. As much as I could.

How did you know her?

She was one of the first people on this ship who didn't shove the redemption idea in my face. A voice from the other side, the unwilling side, letting me know I wasn't alone in thinking this was all ridiculous and unwanted and insulting.

Clearly that's no longer true for her now. But I can't hold it against her. It might not be entirely true for me, either.

There was someone like that for me, too. Someone who understood.

[ A pause. He's thinking his words through. ]

Graduation doesn't need to mean becoming a hero. It can mean whatever you need it to mean.

...It sounds silly when I say it like that. But it's true. You won't stop being you.

That would be so much more reassuring for me if right now I...

[But he stops himself, recalling who he's talking to. His voice drops to a tired grumble.]

Never mind. The point is, like you, the Lady Pendragon meant something to me. She was an ally. [Slight pause, softening a bit again:] She was a friend. Probably one of the first, when I was still in denial that I had or even could have them.

Even when we didn't see eye to eye on things, which itself was rare, we never quarreled. We had a respected and calculated understanding of one another. We were honest without feeling the need to get emotional, trusting without the need to make any demands as proof. She had, has a...quiet grace to her. You don't see it very often, in my era. I doubt this ship will ever again quite see her like. We're going to be less better off for it.

[ His gaze drops partway through this. He usually tries to listen, with all of him, to understand, but now he's thinking of Morgana. ]

You're right.

[ He misses her already. ]

Nice to see there are some things we can apparently agree upon, after all. [A touch of sardonic humor weaving it's way back in.

Still he's glad Zane can't actually see him. There's a reason this is voice - he's not entirely feeling up to being seen on camera just now. Only by those much closer to him than Zane is.]

I think we'd agree on more than you think.

So you'd say.

[He takes a moment to compose himself, and in the process sounding more emotionally distant again. And maybe a bit harder.]

Your father. The relationship the two of you had. You feel at all up to talking more about that?

Yes.

[ There might be a slight hesitation, but the word itself is sure. ]

[Now it's his turn to hesitate, only because he's deciding where exactly he wants to start.]

You said that you thought a son should love his father. And obviously you kept thinking that, even after he treated you poorly. Why? Was there any reason you held onto this conviction? Or was it simply there?

It wasn't about me.

He was going to be king. He did what was necessary. That meant slaughter, sometimes. It meant ambition. I knew from the beginning that I was a tool in that - there was no secret. But I was a powerful tool, and there was opportunity.

And he was my father. Family.

[ It's hard to explain. Zane himself doesn't really know why. ]

[He's cringing, both in frustration but also in how this is hitting closer to home for him than he'd like.]

But there was never any time...no one sat down and explained it you, did they? That he had ambition and there were other things that always came first. Somehow, it was simply understood.

Or am I wrong? Did you need to hear it?

If someone told me, I don't remember. He was distant.

I was always a secret. I wasn't his heir.

He was distant, but you still loved him.

Even if you didn't think that he loved you back.

...What about his actual heirs? If he had any. As a king, I imagine he must have. What did they think of him? Do you know?

He wasn't a king at first. Just the head of a noble House - and then the Lord Ruler died.

His heir was Elend. Elend was... not like me. But it was satisfying, because he liked books, and he wasn't strong, like our father wanted. I knew I was strong.

I thought - if I wasn't insane, my father would want me to be the heir, even though I wasn't legitimate.

You were wrong, though. He didn't want you. He still wanted his other son.

[He's guessing, obviously, but it seems clear-cut from where he is.]

He didn't want Elend either. He just wanted himself.

What's the point of having children, if you're not going to care about them at least a little.

[It's not really a question - or if it is, it's not aimed at Zane. It's more a frustrated utterance.]

In his case, it was so that he could breed an army of Allomancers to support an eventual bid for power.

And he needed an heir for purposes of stability.

[ js. ]

I understand practicality. There's no need to explain that to me. But that doesn't mean that he couldn't...

[He trails off, frustrated. Ranting about a man that he's never met and knows nothing about save through this secondhand information won't do him any good.]

It's not the way that things should be done. Even I know that. And I've always been aware I was never exactly a contender for Father of the Year.

It doesn't mean that he couldn't love his children.

So you do think despite of all that, he did still love you? Or at least some of you.

No.

[ He is pretty sure Straff didn't. ]

[After that he falls silent again.]

...Complicated things, aren't they. The relationships between parent and child. You would think nothing could be more straightforward.

And yet.

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