godsays | 060th metal

I wanted to talk about the Barge.

[ He's in the garden again, the garden that's going to become lonely without Morgana. (Visible in the shot is a certain special, elaborate, beautiful flower that he's threatened people over before.) ]

I got here... it's been almost two years for me, though less for the people here. I graduated in five months. That time was terrifying, and painful, and wonderful. I changed so much. But I've changed more since then. It was just a step, not an ending.

I think it's hard to be a warden because what the Admiral does, sometimes, isn't fair. He takes people who have suffered and hurt and lost and makes them suffer more. He traps people who have been trapped their whole lives, and he's not concerned with anyone calling it wrong.

I know - I know inmates have almost always hurt people. I know the Barge changes us into people who don't. I think the way that happens is that it makes us not alone anymore. It shows us mirrors of ourselves. It shows us love. It hurts us and shows us that we can heal.

[ He's started to cry, tears spilling over, though his expression doesn't change. ]

I was never loved. You, all of you who were, you're so lucky. I thought that a son should love his father, and so I let him use me, and I gave him everything he expected. I killed, and I watched, and - I even tried to kill him sometimes, because he expected it, and he would have thought I was weak if I hadn't. Then, when I became too skilled, he tried to dispose of me, and when that didn't work, he tried to buy me, and I...

You don't know how lucky you are. You don't know how it changes everything when people love you.

[ He wipes tears away. ]

It's not going to be the same without Morgana.

[ spam for sylvanas ]

[ He stops by her cabin, after making the post. Just a check-in, which he does every once in a while, making sure she's all right, that she doesn't need anything. He knocks, because he never comes in without asking - at least, not until Lirath's opened the door for him. ]

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[ Now, he does.

And he thinks maybe this is the first time she's ever explained something she felt so clearly. He feels, in spite of the moment, a little honored.

Instead of saying yes, he pauses. ]

Have I told you about God's voice?

[Oh lovely. They were going to have a sharing moment.]

You've talked about it before to the people at large. Not to me.

All he did was tell me to kill. All the people I met. Everyone I spoke to. Everyone I saw.

It got so that all I wanted was to kill. I still hear it, even though I know it's just in my head now, and I think about - the same things. [ In fact, her words, in some places, had sounded uncomfortable and familiar. ]

I understand. And I'm sorry he didn't talk to you. He should have.

There's a difference between the voice whispering in your mind to kill and the physical need to do it. I had both at once. The voice is silent now, since I broke free, but his presence is always there, and the need doesn't go away. It never will. This isn't just mental, this is what I am, down to my very spirit. Like an itch that I have to always choose not to scratch.

So yes, he should have. His carelessness almost got him killed. Because understand this, Warden: I wanted to do it with every fiber of my being. And I felt it was my right, in that moment. He tempted a monster, and I don't think either of you realize how close he came to a horrible death.

[ It led to a need. He'd felt the need, too, and if not through what happened in his world, then certainly in Silent Hill.

And he thinks: Coming from you? He would have been all right. ]

I'll talk to him.

[It's not just the Emperor that would have had to live with it though. And that it's the crux of her problem.]

That's not -

[She let's out a frustrated growl. He was going to try and "fix" this, because that's what he wanted to do.]

Fine. Do whatever you want. You're going to anyway.

Do you want to ignore him forever?

[You get such a flat look for that, Zane.]

I didn't stop speaking to him in an effort to spend more time together.

It's a small barge.

Seems to be working fine so far.

It can't forever.

...and you can believe I'm doing this for him and not for you, if you want.