godsays | 060th metal

060th metal

I wanted to talk about the Barge.

[ He's in the garden again, the garden that's going to become lonely without Morgana. (Visible in the shot is a certain special, elaborate, beautiful flower that he's threatened people over before.) ]

I got here... it's been almost two years for me, though less for the people here. I graduated in five months. That time was terrifying, and painful, and wonderful. I changed so much. But I've changed more since then. It was just a step, not an ending.

I think it's hard to be a warden because what the Admiral does, sometimes, isn't fair. He takes people who have suffered and hurt and lost and makes them suffer more. He traps people who have been trapped their whole lives, and he's not concerned with anyone calling it wrong.

I know - I know inmates have almost always hurt people. I know the Barge changes us into people who don't. I think the way that happens is that it makes us not alone anymore. It shows us mirrors of ourselves. It shows us love. It hurts us and shows us that we can heal.

[ He's started to cry, tears spilling over, though his expression doesn't change. ]

I was never loved. You, all of you who were, you're so lucky. I thought that a son should love his father, and so I let him use me, and I gave him everything he expected. I killed, and I watched, and - I even tried to kill him sometimes, because he expected it, and he would have thought I was weak if I hadn't. Then, when I became too skilled, he tried to dispose of me, and when that didn't work, he tried to buy me, and I...

You don't know how lucky you are. You don't know how it changes everything when people love you.

[ He wipes tears away. ]

It's not going to be the same without Morgana.

[ spam for sylvanas ]

[ He stops by her cabin, after making the post. Just a check-in, which he does every once in a while, making sure she's all right, that she doesn't need anything. He knocks, because he never comes in without asking - at least, not until Lirath's opened the door for him. ]

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I haven't given it to him yet.

[ But he does; one of some big cat treats he got from the Admiral on request, once. Just to make sure he'd have something for Lirath every time. ]

How are you?

Do you need anything?

[Lirath is delighted, and takes his treat over to his favorite fake sun beam in front of the stained glass window.

Sylvanas spares her warden a glance over the top of the parchment pages in her hands. She's slouched on her bed, back against the wall.]

You didn't come all the way here to feed my cat and ask if I need anything. Your plate is a little full for that lately.

[It's a bland accusation. Or as bland as she can make it. It's clear her ire is up, but also that she's restraining it. The problem with Sylvanas is she feels far too much, and has only one method of expressing herself. It made communication exceedingly difficult.]

I leave you alone because I know you like it that way.

[ She is angry, he realizes, and holding back. That actually astonishes him. ]

How is - the warrior? The one you gave the sword to.

Are you sure it's not because you're dealing with easier problems?

[Sylvanas knows she's a lifer inmate, so long as the Admiral continues to be entertained by her. Why Zane hasn't abandoned her and asked for someone he has half a chance say graduating is a continuous mystery.

The question derails her ~~pouting sulking~~ annoyance, gets her to lift her eyes to Zane at last. It's not a long pause, just a brief second or two of her gauging what he's after with that change of topic.

When she answers there's less heat in her tone. Definitely a bit more arrogance, like she's saying "I told you so". And perhaps there's a little showing else too. Some vaguely softer emotion, she may possibly not even notice is there.]

Living up to expectations. You may have noticed he's used the sword more than responsibly.

I noticed. You were right. I'm glad I trusted you.

[ And he would do it again. He believes in her, and it always startles him a little bit. ]

Sylvanas. [ He hesitates. ]

What do you think Aslan thinks about you, right now?

[ He wants this to be fixed. And he thinks it must be their stubbornness that's in the way. He thinks it must be something she refuses to tell or refuses to fix, because he also thinks that Aslan misses her. ]

[Hearing him admit she was right is somewhat molifying. It takes the edge off her anger a little. So when he starts in on something else, she gives him her attention, rather than trying to ignore him into leaving. But his question gets nothing more than a confused look out of her.]

Who?

[ And now it's his turn to be confused. He pauses. ]

Aslan.

The Emperor.

[ She knew his name, didn't she? She had to know his name. ]

[Except she didn't. He'd never told her his name.]

Ah, I see. [Of course he has a real name. Of course, he would keep that private.

And he would call her by her name, and nickname her painfully, and demand they touch when she hated it so much, and expect her to endure the agony of his taunting, distant affection, knowing it could never be more than that.

He'd commanded familiarity from her and she is only now hearing his name from the boy he is in love with.]

I would expect the Emperor not to think of me at all.

[Let him keep his name. She'll never speak it, because clearly it's not for her to use. "Don't lock me out"? He could go straight to Hell.]

[ Zane frowns, fiercely. ]

When I leave here, I'm going to slap him.

[ He's actually angry about that. Especially when Sylvanas has clearly been someone of value to Aslan. ]

[But for Sylvanas this only makes sense. It's how all her loves have ever gone. It was foolish to expect anything different here than what she had been given by her former country, or her own family. She's hurt, angry, and it's her own fault really. She should know better by now.]

Why? It's his name. He can do whatever he wants with it.

[She's so bitter she wouldn't be surprised if milk curdled at the sound of her voice.]

No. He can't. Not when it means disrespecting you and everything that you mean to him.

He cares about you. And this isn't fair.

[ Bush knows. Morgana knows, doesn't she? - And now Zane is doubting whether anyone else does. Zane hasn't been too cautious with the name himself, but he hasn't used it all the time, either. ]

What does fairness have to do with anything?

[She sits forward abruptly, but the movement is smooth. The pages get dropped beside her so her hands can curl around the edge of the bed.]

People are not fair. People are selfish. It's a fact of life. Being selfless is for idiots. It gets you used. It gets you killed. And then you're as important to those you did it for as yesterday's trash.

[She's not shouting but she's intense with emotion. Hurt. Disappointment. Rage. And there's so much of it she can't mask it's depth. This stems deeper than the Emperor playing fast and loose with her feelings.]

[ He's quiet - listening, really listening. He's gaining insight into her, in bits and pieces. What she's saying is something he knew, down to his bones, before he graduated. It's how he grew up. But he feels that it wasn't how she grew up. That the world made her this way. ]

Yes. Sometimes it is that way.

[ In his world, it was that way. He still believes, honestly, that the only way there was to survive in his own environment was to be that ruthless. That cunning. The Barge gave him a chance to be something else, but if he were put back there, he would have a lot of difficulty staying true to who he is here. ]

[It isn't how she'd grown up. It was what the world had taught her over long stretches of gross unfairness. Her belief in a just, loving world has long since been crushed under the heel of her own reality.]

No, it's that way nearly all the time. Believing anything else is childish.

Do you think I'll leave you?

[ An honest question. And he won't be offended; he doesn't think he's that important to Sylvanas, really. ]

[Zane would likely be astonished at the effect he has in their relationship. Even Sylvanas isn't fully aware of just how powerful Zane's continued presence as her warden is.]

I know you will. It's only a matter of time and circumstance.

I can't promise I'll be here forever.

[ This is just a fact. ]

But I'll be here tomorrow. And the day after. Even if he graduates, I don't want to abandon you.

Maybe you don't want to today, or even tomorrow. But when he graduates, things will look much differently to you. You'll go, because you won't risk either of your futures on a vain hope.

I can only prove that to you one way. And I'm ready to.

[ No matter if it takes a long time. ]

I suppose we'll eventually see which one of us is right.

[Clearly she believes she already knows that outcome.]

In the meantime, he needs to respect you more.

He was asked already to beyond himself when he wants to make choices that affect others aside himself. He did not comply. Expecting him to change now is unrealistic.

[Yup, she's still upset about his going living without bothering to prepare her, or even consider her feelings at all.]

[ Sudden, dawning comprehension. ]

You mean when he decided to become alive.

It seems I'm not the only one he doesn't communicate with, ifyou're only more figuring this out.

[Oh, that's right. Zane was asleep when all of that mess actually happened. Yet somehow she'd expected him to have heard it all by now.]

Sylvanas, I had to drag him into it. And it wasn't because I think being dead is wrong. It's because it was hurting him to be that way. He couldn't feel anything.

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