godsays | 15th metal . private messages

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15th metal . private messages

[ Private to Chris ]

Do I have to kill him?

[ Guess who just woke up and saw the kerfuffle. Zero to rage in thirty-one seconds. ]

[ Private to Cassel ]

Are you well enough to make metals? Because if so, I'm going to ask for pewter, iron and steel.

If not...

[ He doesn't finish that. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You're hurting me! Now!

[Vicious, desperate, and pained. He doesn't think there's anything he can do to change Zane's mind. Doesn't know why he's trying.]

Why don't you want this? It's everything he deserves and I want it to come from us. Our family.

Because it's letting him win. It's letting him beat all three of us.

He already hurt me. I'm not gonna let him win on top of that.

I'd dirty my hands for you.

That's not what you are to me.

I should have protected you.

You couldn't have. Nobody could have. He tricked me.

I don't care. Cassel. I don't care. He can't do that.

I know you don't. I know. You don't care and Chris doesn't care and--

I care. [Shouldn't that matter?]

Why? I would kill a hundred people for you. I would kill a thousand.

I liked killing. I liked the power. Do you know what an Allomancer can do in a crowd of soldiers?

Kill a thousand people, probably. That's not the point. You don't have to kill people for me.

I want to.

Killing someone who hurt you is more important than being good.

You're not going to listen.

[That shallow breathing is back, the half-sobs. Nobody's going to listen. Why? What else does he have to do to be heard?]

Doing this isn't going to stop it from happening again.

Maybe it will.

Cassel.

[ It's not until now that he realizes how chained he is, to Cassel. How Cassel has wrapped a leash around Zane's throat, around Zane's heart. He can't go against Cassel's wishes. He's not capable of it.

He'd heel, like a dog. ]

It won't.

[But now, on top of everything, he's upset Zane. He's so tired of pushing uphill, of things being okay and then getting so much worse. He just wants Zane here, with him, but he can't get the words right, doesn't know how to ask.]

[He was so scared, and so alone, and now he feels alone all over again. Just because he wants all of this to stop before it gets worse. He wants to lie down and give up, but he just can't do it.]

[He presses his hand to his mouth, trying to stifle the noise. Trying to keep quiet.]

[ And he gets his wish. Because it's just moments before Zane is in the infirmary, there, gathering Cassel up into his arms. He doesn't remember leaving his room, doesn't remember the intervening distance, like the universe just folded to bring him there.

He holds Cassel tight. ]

[He doesn't get a response for too long, bites down on his wrist to stop the tears, but when Zane just shows up and holds him like he's read his mind, Cassel breaks down entirely. Everything's shattering, every single defense is down; he clings to Zane by his sleeve and his shirtfront and sobs like he's still being beaten, like one finger after another is shattering under pointed pressure.]

[He's pathetic. He is. But he can't care about that right now. His brother's back. Here. With him.]

[ His hand rubs Cassel's back, and his grip is a little too tight, but he doesn't think Cassel minds. ]

I'm sorry. I don't know how else to love you. [ - whispered. ]

[He doesn't mind - he needs this, isn't sure when it became something he needed, but it is now. Why can't Zane see that this is what helps - that so often, this is the only thing that helps?]

Like this. [He speaks, muffled and teary, into Zane's shirt.] This is how you love me.

[ Kill him, kill him, kill. ]

I'm not going anywhere.

[ But every time he blinks he sees Harvey torn limb from limb. He needs it, an aching, furious beat in his veins. For once, he and the remnant of the voice are in perfect harmony. ]

I know.

[He believes. He trusts. Zane listened. He'd thought he wasn't listening, but here he is.]

[In the end, he manages to calm down. This is what he needed, he thinks, to be able to break down safely. To let go for a few minutes. To feel all of it, and then be drained.]

[His hands loosen in Zane's shirt.]

[ He breathes long and smooth, a rhythm that Cassel can match. Doesn't stop stroking his back, holding him steady, holding him close. ]

I'm sorry I wasn't there.

[He takes his cues from Zane, leans his head on his shoulder, wipes his eyes.]

It's okay. You're here now.

[ He's here, but he's not here. He's somewhere else, a place where Harvey's life is leaking out around his fingers. It's harder than ever to wrestle down the urge to kill - not because it's stronger, but because he doesn't want to.

But he will stay. Here. Physically. He won't let himself move. ]

Thank you. For listening to me.

[A few more heartbeats of quiet.]

I love you.

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