godsays | 15th metal . private messages

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15th metal . private messages

[ Private to Chris ]

Do I have to kill him?

[ Guess who just woke up and saw the kerfuffle. Zero to rage in thirty-one seconds. ]

[ Private to Cassel ]

Are you well enough to make metals? Because if so, I'm going to ask for pewter, iron and steel.

If not...

[ He doesn't finish that. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[He doesn't mind - he needs this, isn't sure when it became something he needed, but it is now. Why can't Zane see that this is what helps - that so often, this is the only thing that helps?]

Like this. [He speaks, muffled and teary, into Zane's shirt.] This is how you love me.

[ Kill him, kill him, kill. ]

I'm not going anywhere.

[ But every time he blinks he sees Harvey torn limb from limb. He needs it, an aching, furious beat in his veins. For once, he and the remnant of the voice are in perfect harmony. ]

I know.

[He believes. He trusts. Zane listened. He'd thought he wasn't listening, but here he is.]

[In the end, he manages to calm down. This is what he needed, he thinks, to be able to break down safely. To let go for a few minutes. To feel all of it, and then be drained.]

[His hands loosen in Zane's shirt.]

[ He breathes long and smooth, a rhythm that Cassel can match. Doesn't stop stroking his back, holding him steady, holding him close. ]

I'm sorry I wasn't there.

[He takes his cues from Zane, leans his head on his shoulder, wipes his eyes.]

It's okay. You're here now.

[ He's here, but he's not here. He's somewhere else, a place where Harvey's life is leaking out around his fingers. It's harder than ever to wrestle down the urge to kill - not because it's stronger, but because he doesn't want to.

But he will stay. Here. Physically. He won't let himself move. ]

Thank you. For listening to me.

[A few more heartbeats of quiet.]

I love you.

I love you.

I'll listen to you. I promise.

Thanks.

I just don't want to have to fall apart anymore.

Where is Chris?

[He opens his mouth to answer, thinking it's another question, any other question.]

[Then he closes it, lips tight.]

...the coward.

No.

[Almost inaudible. Pleading. Don't.]

No what?

No, he's not. He'll be back.

[He's clinging to this certainty fiercely. If he lets go, he has to let go of everything.]

He'd better.

He will. He's just being too much like me right now.

That's my job.

[He laughs. It's not actually that funny.]

He's being the part of me that - pities himself. And I don't like that part very much.

No one likes pity.

No. I understand it, but I don't like it.

I don't pity you.

I'm angry.

I know. I know you are, I'm sorry. This shouldn't have happened. I couldn't fight him.

But - Kon's going to help, I think. He said he'd ask the Admiral for some of my work back.

Your powers.

Yeah.

[He chews his lip nervously.]

Is - that not a good thing?

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