godsays | 5th Metal / open video

[Cassel's reply is like cold water thrown over a hot plate. Instantly, much of Chris' fury evaporates and he starts to head up the stairs to the infirmary, rather than Zane's cabin]
Yeah coming.

thanks. sorry

[Second apology today. What is this.]

fucking assholes.

[It's hard to tell who Chris means by that, as he hikes up the stairs to find his friend and wring the truth out of him]

[He's half-sitting up in bed when Chris gets there, looking to the door. Most of his bruises are hidden - what shows is bruising on his collarbone, the beginnings of a mark on his face, and a split lip. There's no question he's in pain, but more than anything he looks worried. Kon had said this would upset Chris.]

[Clearly Kon was right.]

[Red-faced, furious, and at the edge of his patience, Chris arrives in the infirmary, storming over to Cassel's bed and standing in front of him, looking on. He's not death-tolling but he seems to have gotten knocked around a bit, and instantly his rage jumps another notch. It's okay when he gets hurt, but one of Chris' best and worst faults is undying loyalty without question to a few select people, and this sort of affront can't be let go]

....You have five minutes to say what the fuck happened before I go kill Zane.

[It's eerie, how deadly serious he looks when he says it]

[Cassel knows that look. In this moment Chris looks exactly like Lila. It makes his eyes widen, confused.]

[But he doesn't want Zane hurt. If this is anybody's fault it's his.]

I told him to hurt me because otherwise he'd hurt himself.

[This is one of those things he won't tell anybody else. Realistically he knows it's a betrayal of trust, but Chris needs to understand. Cassel owes him that.]

It hurts but I'm okay. He wasn't going to kill me. [Probably?]

[This explanation, if anything, seems to make Chris get more upset. He wordlessly stalks away from the bed, hands up, gesturing madly to himself in a silent rage that would be comical if it wasn't so obvious that he's in visible distress, before returning to the bedpost to express his fury further]

Are you fucking kidding me.

Seriously, I have no idea why you would want to fuck with me like this, Cassel. What in the fuck. Some asshole has mental problems and wants to commit suicide so your fucking solution is to go "Oh, hey, don't do that, punch the crap out of me instead"?

What in the fuck is wrong with you? Either of you?! Jesus fucking CHRIST, look at you! You're in a fucking hospital bed because you went to some mentally unbalanced asshole and gave him a few free fucking shots!

Zane is -

[He doesn't know how to explain. Like him, yes, he is. In pain, yes, he was. A friend? Cassel isn't naive enough to believe that. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement.]

[He discards that train of thought and moves on to the other one that's impossible to explain: how he deserved this, how he can be useful this way, how it made him feel better, how he's surprised it hasn't happened yet. How Zane didn't touch him with his bare hands after Cassel said not to. How much more relaxed he felt afterwards, before everybody started getting mad.]

[The fact that people are defending him, he tries not to think about.]

It helped both of us.

[Fully looking like he wants to strangle Zane, or Cassel, or both, a still extremely agitated Chris stalks around the same five paces, only stopping to shoot questions at Cassel. He's furious and he's frustrated and he doesn't understand, which only makes things worse]

How the fuck does getting the shit beat out of you help you? Because I fucking know a little bit about getting the shit beat out of me and if you were fucking trying to prove a point, it's sick. It's fucking sick, Cassel, I'm serious, and how fucking dare you do this to yourself when you know how fucking messed up it makes people who care about you?!

No, I - [He makes a frustrated noise.] I wasn't trying to prove a point, I wouldn't do that to you! It's just -

[Calm down. Take a breath. Everything he's ever learned about lying has left him now, and what's worse is he doesn't want to lie. He should be trying to drive Chris away for his own good, but he can't do it, he's too damn selfish. He just wants him to understand.]

It made me feel better. It just did, okay? I didn't think anybody would mind.

[Lie. He just didn't think.]

[No, he doesn't understand: Cassel turns all his emotions inward on himself to hide his feelings, but Chris is like a temperamental volcano and wears his emotions on his sleeve. When he's hurting, he needs to make others hurt as much as he does.]

Fucking news flash, people fucking mind it when their friends get their asses kicked. Does it feel good, knowing you fucking made me flip out and almost have a heart attack? Fucking christ, if you want to get beat up so badly, fucking ask my warden, he'll do it for free.

No. It doesn't feel good. It feels shitty.

[And he realizes abruptly that he just did to Chris what Sam did to him. Feels nauseous, goes pale, lies down a little more hoping it'll help - it doesn't.]

I fucked up. I did. I really, really, really [breath; he feels like he's drowning] really don't want to hurt you. Ever. I'm telling the truth.

[Cassel in that moment looks so pathetic and miserable that it's next to impossible for Chris to maintain his anger. His shoulders slump in exasperation and he walks over to the side of the bed to drop down on it, annoyed but much better than he was a few seconds ago]

Then don't fucking..volunteer to get laid out, dumbass.

No more.

[He doesn't like this promise, but he's making it anyway, because Chris is upset. Making Chris upset is kind of the worst thing ever.]

[The bed gives a little when he sits down, and Cassel looks him dead in the eye.]

You like me. Like - you came right here when I asked you to. It's fucking confusing, and I know you think that's stupid, but I'm telling you it is. I just - maybe it doesn't - [He can't talk, he's out of words, why now?] It did help, for a minute, but you're right, it wasn't worth it.

[Don't leave.]

Edited 2013-04-27 17:00 (UTC)

[Chris freezes at You like me, but Cassel is already continuing and he has to remember how to breathe in the next few seconds. His heart pounding, he glances down to his hands, paranoid and a little frightened over the depths of his own feelings]

Just....just don't do it anymore, and we're cool.

Okay? Don't fucking...get involved with whatever shit this Zane asshole is into. He's twisted.

[He smiles, a little sadly.]

So am I.

[Part of him hopes it's taken as a joke; it could be, easily. But it's not. There's a lot that's wrong with him, and half of it he's not even aware of.]

[He scoots over, wincing, and pats the space next to him.]

C'mere.

[Glancing to the space beside Cassel, Chris shuts his eyes and shifts position too, so that he can drop down and lie beside him on the bed. His hands fold over his chest and he scowls at the ceiling, full of all his pent-up aggression and unwilling or unable to let it loose on anyone]

Christ, you suck.

I know.

[He half-turns, looking at Chris not looking at him.]

I'd ask why you put up with me, but I think you'd just get more pissed.

Oh, shut up, asshole.

[He nudges Cassel in his side in order to claim more room and space on the bed before he falls off; twin-sized mattresses really weren't meant for two teenagers to lay side by side]

Merlin fixed me pretty well last week. Maybe he'll show up and do you, too.

Maybe.

[He scoots again, but not that far. For once he feels okay about being close to somebody, safe.]

I don't think I'm going to be able to do any more self-defense for a while if he doesn't. [It's really hard to decide whether to laugh or - well, not cry, because he doesn't cry, but something. He settles for burying his face in the stupid pillow. World-class fuckup Cassel Sharpe.]

[With a grunt of acquiescence, Chris rolls over on his own side to face Cassel. He doesn't reach out to touch him - he ran out without his gloves and instead tucks his bare hands under his arms - but instead drops his forehead against Cassel's hair, breathing in]

He will. He fixed my arm, I'm back to working out as of two days ago.

Christ, come on. It's not that bad.

[Oh.]

[He closes his eyes and turns his head from the pillow so he can breathe, though he does his best not to dislodge Chris. It's okay. He's okay. Probably, maybe.]

Are you still gonna show me? [Or is he going to give up? But then Cassel grunts. Bad question.] You are. Right? If I don't do that again. Or - ?

[He's initially surprised when Cassel doesn't immediately shake him off, and a part of Chris is setting off warning bells that he's too close, he's playing with fire here, he needs to back off before he does something to ruin everything..

Fuck. Whatever Cassel uses for shampoo smells really goddamn good. It's unfair.]

For fuck's sake, Cassel, I'm not giving you friendship ultimatums. Yeah, I'll be pissed if you go out and tangle with fucking Zane again but I'm not like, going to hold training hostage. That's bullshit.

Edited 2013-04-27 20:13 (UTC)

[It's even simpler than he expected. Chris has no conditions at all. He'll help. He'll be there. He's not leaving.]

[Eventually Cassel will get this for good. Today, he believes it. And he's well-aware that Chris is too good to be his friend.]

He reminds me of me, a little.

Do you ever feel different kinds of important to different people?

[Chris has apparently decided he's spent enough time being creepy and gross, and leans his head back away from Cassel's, as much as it pains him to do so. He drops his head instead against his shoulder, frowning]

I guess. I mean, how I behave around you is different than how I act around Rorschach, or my mom, or someone. You're different roles depending on who you're with.

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