godsays | 5th Metal / open video

[This explanation, if anything, seems to make Chris get more upset. He wordlessly stalks away from the bed, hands up, gesturing madly to himself in a silent rage that would be comical if it wasn't so obvious that he's in visible distress, before returning to the bedpost to express his fury further]

Are you fucking kidding me.

Seriously, I have no idea why you would want to fuck with me like this, Cassel. What in the fuck. Some asshole has mental problems and wants to commit suicide so your fucking solution is to go "Oh, hey, don't do that, punch the crap out of me instead"?

What in the fuck is wrong with you? Either of you?! Jesus fucking CHRIST, look at you! You're in a fucking hospital bed because you went to some mentally unbalanced asshole and gave him a few free fucking shots!

Zane is -

[He doesn't know how to explain. Like him, yes, he is. In pain, yes, he was. A friend? Cassel isn't naive enough to believe that. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement.]

[He discards that train of thought and moves on to the other one that's impossible to explain: how he deserved this, how he can be useful this way, how it made him feel better, how he's surprised it hasn't happened yet. How Zane didn't touch him with his bare hands after Cassel said not to. How much more relaxed he felt afterwards, before everybody started getting mad.]

[The fact that people are defending him, he tries not to think about.]

It helped both of us.

[Fully looking like he wants to strangle Zane, or Cassel, or both, a still extremely agitated Chris stalks around the same five paces, only stopping to shoot questions at Cassel. He's furious and he's frustrated and he doesn't understand, which only makes things worse]

How the fuck does getting the shit beat out of you help you? Because I fucking know a little bit about getting the shit beat out of me and if you were fucking trying to prove a point, it's sick. It's fucking sick, Cassel, I'm serious, and how fucking dare you do this to yourself when you know how fucking messed up it makes people who care about you?!

No, I - [He makes a frustrated noise.] I wasn't trying to prove a point, I wouldn't do that to you! It's just -

[Calm down. Take a breath. Everything he's ever learned about lying has left him now, and what's worse is he doesn't want to lie. He should be trying to drive Chris away for his own good, but he can't do it, he's too damn selfish. He just wants him to understand.]

It made me feel better. It just did, okay? I didn't think anybody would mind.

[Lie. He just didn't think.]

[No, he doesn't understand: Cassel turns all his emotions inward on himself to hide his feelings, but Chris is like a temperamental volcano and wears his emotions on his sleeve. When he's hurting, he needs to make others hurt as much as he does.]

Fucking news flash, people fucking mind it when their friends get their asses kicked. Does it feel good, knowing you fucking made me flip out and almost have a heart attack? Fucking christ, if you want to get beat up so badly, fucking ask my warden, he'll do it for free.

No. It doesn't feel good. It feels shitty.

[And he realizes abruptly that he just did to Chris what Sam did to him. Feels nauseous, goes pale, lies down a little more hoping it'll help - it doesn't.]

I fucked up. I did. I really, really, really [breath; he feels like he's drowning] really don't want to hurt you. Ever. I'm telling the truth.

[Cassel in that moment looks so pathetic and miserable that it's next to impossible for Chris to maintain his anger. His shoulders slump in exasperation and he walks over to the side of the bed to drop down on it, annoyed but much better than he was a few seconds ago]

Then don't fucking..volunteer to get laid out, dumbass.

No more.

[He doesn't like this promise, but he's making it anyway, because Chris is upset. Making Chris upset is kind of the worst thing ever.]

[The bed gives a little when he sits down, and Cassel looks him dead in the eye.]

You like me. Like - you came right here when I asked you to. It's fucking confusing, and I know you think that's stupid, but I'm telling you it is. I just - maybe it doesn't - [He can't talk, he's out of words, why now?] It did help, for a minute, but you're right, it wasn't worth it.

[Don't leave.]

Edited 2013-04-27 17:00 (UTC)

[Chris freezes at You like me, but Cassel is already continuing and he has to remember how to breathe in the next few seconds. His heart pounding, he glances down to his hands, paranoid and a little frightened over the depths of his own feelings]

Just....just don't do it anymore, and we're cool.

Okay? Don't fucking...get involved with whatever shit this Zane asshole is into. He's twisted.

[He smiles, a little sadly.]

So am I.

[Part of him hopes it's taken as a joke; it could be, easily. But it's not. There's a lot that's wrong with him, and half of it he's not even aware of.]

[He scoots over, wincing, and pats the space next to him.]

C'mere.

[Glancing to the space beside Cassel, Chris shuts his eyes and shifts position too, so that he can drop down and lie beside him on the bed. His hands fold over his chest and he scowls at the ceiling, full of all his pent-up aggression and unwilling or unable to let it loose on anyone]

Christ, you suck.

I know.

[He half-turns, looking at Chris not looking at him.]

I'd ask why you put up with me, but I think you'd just get more pissed.

Oh, shut up, asshole.

[He nudges Cassel in his side in order to claim more room and space on the bed before he falls off; twin-sized mattresses really weren't meant for two teenagers to lay side by side]

Merlin fixed me pretty well last week. Maybe he'll show up and do you, too.

Maybe.

[He scoots again, but not that far. For once he feels okay about being close to somebody, safe.]

I don't think I'm going to be able to do any more self-defense for a while if he doesn't. [It's really hard to decide whether to laugh or - well, not cry, because he doesn't cry, but something. He settles for burying his face in the stupid pillow. World-class fuckup Cassel Sharpe.]

[With a grunt of acquiescence, Chris rolls over on his own side to face Cassel. He doesn't reach out to touch him - he ran out without his gloves and instead tucks his bare hands under his arms - but instead drops his forehead against Cassel's hair, breathing in]

He will. He fixed my arm, I'm back to working out as of two days ago.

Christ, come on. It's not that bad.

[Oh.]

[He closes his eyes and turns his head from the pillow so he can breathe, though he does his best not to dislodge Chris. It's okay. He's okay. Probably, maybe.]

Are you still gonna show me? [Or is he going to give up? But then Cassel grunts. Bad question.] You are. Right? If I don't do that again. Or - ?

[He's initially surprised when Cassel doesn't immediately shake him off, and a part of Chris is setting off warning bells that he's too close, he's playing with fire here, he needs to back off before he does something to ruin everything..

Fuck. Whatever Cassel uses for shampoo smells really goddamn good. It's unfair.]

For fuck's sake, Cassel, I'm not giving you friendship ultimatums. Yeah, I'll be pissed if you go out and tangle with fucking Zane again but I'm not like, going to hold training hostage. That's bullshit.

Edited 2013-04-27 20:13 (UTC)

[It's even simpler than he expected. Chris has no conditions at all. He'll help. He'll be there. He's not leaving.]

[Eventually Cassel will get this for good. Today, he believes it. And he's well-aware that Chris is too good to be his friend.]

He reminds me of me, a little.

Do you ever feel different kinds of important to different people?

[Chris has apparently decided he's spent enough time being creepy and gross, and leans his head back away from Cassel's, as much as it pains him to do so. He drops his head instead against his shoulder, frowning]

I guess. I mean, how I behave around you is different than how I act around Rorschach, or my mom, or someone. You're different roles depending on who you're with.

[Cassel blinks at Chris when he moves away, settles when he puts his head down.]

Yeah. It's just weird? That, just now, was more -

[He presses his lips together.] I don't know. Different. The opposite of this.

[God, he sucks at words.]

God, you suck at words.

So...what, you just...wanted to get hit by him? I don't get it. I'm not...trying to judge, I'm just trying to figure out if letting other guys beat on you is a thing you like to do.

[That earns Chris a look of - not suspicion, but surprise, definitely. He's seen Chris talk on the network about shit like this, thought he was being an asshole, didn't step in to stop him because it wasn't his business. If Chris is talking about what it sounds like he's talking about - well, it's an about-face, definitely.]

No. No, not like that. It was more like - punishment, like I did something bad.

Yeah, now you've just fucking lost me.

[He shuts his eyes, so wound up and full of feelings that he can't stand to look at Cassel anymore. Not that the other had done anything; him just being in such close proximity is making Chris' heart skip]

Stop punishing yourself.

[Cassel's not surprised, not even a little. It'd be hard to explain even if he was the most articulate person alive, which he's clearly not.]

Like I said. Being with you is the opposite.

. . . You're still upset. [He sees you there, Chris.] Can I - I don't know, help?

Well, you don't fucking deserve to be in the fucking infirmary. It just pisses me off.

{And now it's Chris' turn to bury his head into the pillow with a muffled grunt]

M'fine.

5th Metal / open video

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