godsays | 13th metal . spam & text . cw: self-harm

[ He winds long bandages around his arms before he goes to take a shower, covering himself from elbow to palm. He makes it look more like gauntlets than anything else, to minimize any questions asked, moves furtively and quickly, dodges out as soon as possible. And he longs for the days when the servants had to bring him a bath, and he didn't care what they saw - let them gossip, let them spread the word that he hurts himself. Let it add to the terror they see in him.

Here, it only adds to his shame and frustration. The voice is gone, and he shouldn't need to control himself this way, but the longer he resists, the greater the need becomes, and he always gives in eventually.

It seems wrong to him, anyway, that his arms are mostly bare of scars. That his chest, too, is unmarked. That the other evidence of his violent life is erased, leaving his skin as ordinary as a child's. Sometimes he remembers the scars and he feels the temptation to bring them back.

He has also often been stepping into the gardens and the greenhouse lately, mostly just sitting still and watching the plants. He recognizes their progress. Tries, though it makes him feel a little ridiculous, to murmur things to them sometimes. To talk to them. ]

[ text ]

If you have scars, are they important to you? Do you think they matter?

[ video ; private to Charles ]

I told Megamind you wouldn't object to me attending school. I knew it was the kind of thing that you like.

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I can help with those, too, if you're willing to let me.

[ A pause, as he considers, re-evaluates, forms what he wants to say. ]

I would let you. And it's a reassurance even just knowing that they can disappear if I ask you.

But there's only so many times the pain of a wound can be soothed away. Eventually it heals or it doesn't.

[Charles hesitates, trying to find the best way to explain this.]

The pain won't ever truly go away, once and for all. There will always be times when it hurts, but it does get easier to deal with. It starts having less influence over your life, and you get to a place where you can begin to move beyond what happened.

You'll never be the person you were if none of this had ever happened, Zane. But that doesn't mean you won't be able to move on from it, or that you're always going to feel wounded.

See? Scars.

I want that scar. I want it physically. I can do it myself and get the Emperor's help or you can help me find a safer way.

Excuse me?

Where the spike was. I want to be able to feel it.

Why?

Because sometimes I feel like this place is trying to erase me. To take away all the flaws and leave... something else.

Most of the time I want to be healed. But this time I don't. I feel insane. I feel like it's still pushing on me. And I feel like I'm trying to pretend it never happened.

It's not logical. It doesn't have to be.

No, it doesn't, but self harm isn't something I have a habit of endorsing, no matter what the reason.

Why will having the scar make it feel as if it isn't pushing on you?

[ The first part makes him flinch, and he stops, a moment, tripping over his words. What makes it out is: ]

I don't want to disappoint you.

[ This is coming out in the wrong order. That's the explanation for why he didn't tell Charles he was hurting himself. ]

I - it might be too late to worry about that. Harming myself.

[... Charles is taking a deep breath because he has a feeling that freaking out with worry isn't going to help right now.]

What do you mean?

I mean there's a reason I kept the knife, and it wasn't to carve candles.

Zane- [He takes another breath, kneading his temples.]

Can you tell me why you've been doing it? And how long it's been going on?

Always. I mean - as long as the voice had.

It helped me resist it. But the voice is gone and it's not... stopping.

[ He hates this. He hates his own lack of control over himself. ]

Would you be willing to start working on some techniques to help take away the urge to self harm?

Not telepathically. This isn't something I can just let someone else rewrite.

That's not what I'm suggesting. There are plenty of other options.

I don't like... admitting this.

[ Every word is difficult. Every word has to be dragged out of him. Yes, he wants help. Yes. He needs it. This is something that is immediately and obviously apparent to Zane because he has half a brain and he can see all of this happening from the inside.

He doesn't know if he's even getting better. Silent Hill wasn't so different from home. Shouldn't he be able to shrug that off? When did he become so fragile? ]

I know. It isn't an easy thing to talk about. But I want you to know that you won't be doing this alone. I'm going to be here for you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I want to be better than this.

The thought of having to go without this scares me. It's why I didn't say anything. I knew you would want me to face it and I don't want to fail.

I know it's frightening, Zane, but you don't have to apologize to me. I'm not upset with you, I just want to get you help. It will be a long process, and it won't be easy, but I know you're going to get through this.

Maybe I don't have to, but - you are a part of this. You care. I trust you to care, not just about staying for Erik but about me. Sometimes it woud be better if you didn't, but I know you do.