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13th metal . spam & text . cw: self-harm
[ He winds long bandages around his arms before he goes to take a shower, covering himself from elbow to palm. He makes it look more like gauntlets than anything else, to minimize any questions asked, moves furtively and quickly, dodges out as soon as possible. And he longs for the days when the servants had to bring him a bath, and he didn't care what they saw - let them gossip, let them spread the word that he hurts himself. Let it add to the terror they see in him.
Here, it only adds to his shame and frustration. The voice is gone, and he shouldn't need to control himself this way, but the longer he resists, the greater the need becomes, and he always gives in eventually.
It seems wrong to him, anyway, that his arms are mostly bare of scars. That his chest, too, is unmarked. That the other evidence of his violent life is erased, leaving his skin as ordinary as a child's. Sometimes he remembers the scars and he feels the temptation to bring them back.
He has also often been stepping into the gardens and the greenhouse lately, mostly just sitting still and watching the plants. He recognizes their progress. Tries, though it makes him feel a little ridiculous, to murmur things to them sometimes. To talk to them. ]
[ text ]
If you have scars, are they important to you? Do you think they matter?
[ video ; private to Charles ]
I told Megamind you wouldn't object to me attending school. I knew it was the kind of thing that you like.
Here, it only adds to his shame and frustration. The voice is gone, and he shouldn't need to control himself this way, but the longer he resists, the greater the need becomes, and he always gives in eventually.
It seems wrong to him, anyway, that his arms are mostly bare of scars. That his chest, too, is unmarked. That the other evidence of his violent life is erased, leaving his skin as ordinary as a child's. Sometimes he remembers the scars and he feels the temptation to bring them back.
He has also often been stepping into the gardens and the greenhouse lately, mostly just sitting still and watching the plants. He recognizes their progress. Tries, though it makes him feel a little ridiculous, to murmur things to them sometimes. To talk to them. ]
[ text ]
If you have scars, are they important to you? Do you think they matter?
[ video ; private to Charles ]
I told Megamind you wouldn't object to me attending school. I knew it was the kind of thing that you like.
[Private]
[Private]
Most of the time I want to be healed. But this time I don't. I feel insane. I feel like it's still pushing on me. And I feel like I'm trying to pretend it never happened.
It's not logical. It doesn't have to be.
[Private]
Why will having the scar make it feel as if it isn't pushing on you?
[Private]
I don't want to disappoint you.
[ This is coming out in the wrong order. That's the explanation for why he didn't tell Charles he was hurting himself. ]
I - it might be too late to worry about that. Harming myself.
[Private]
What do you mean?
[Private]
[Private]
Can you tell me why you've been doing it? And how long it's been going on?
[Private]
It helped me resist it. But the voice is gone and it's not... stopping.
[ He hates this. He hates his own lack of control over himself. ]
[Private]
[Private]
[Private]
[Private]
[ Every word is difficult. Every word has to be dragged out of him. Yes, he wants help. Yes. He needs it. This is something that is immediately and obviously apparent to Zane because he has half a brain and he can see all of this happening from the inside.
He doesn't know if he's even getting better. Silent Hill wasn't so different from home. Shouldn't he be able to shrug that off? When did he become so fragile? ]
[Private]
[Private]
The thought of having to go without this scares me. It's why I didn't say anything. I knew you would want me to face it and I don't want to fail.
[Private]
[Private]
[Private]
Are you willing to work with me on this?
[Private]
Yes.
[Private]
[Private]
He would make sure it was safe, though. Like... Barbara did.