godsays | 5th Metal / open video

[It's frustrating, to not be able to get even the slightest read off of him telepathically - not that he'd be reading his mind anyway, given Zane's discomfort with the issue - but people being in Zero was almost like they were just reanimated corpses, or something equally strange, and he could never quite get over how odd it felt.

Still, he doesn't let any discomfort show in his expression, which softens slightly at the second question, because he's not looking to pick a fight with him.]

I want to listen, if you're willing to talk.

I tried. Everyone here told me that this place is supposed to make you better. I want to be better.

[ This is raw, honest truth. Who wants to be insane? Who wants to be used?

Charles has Zane's honesty. He has earned enough for Zane to take the risk. ]

I didn't fight. I didn't hurt anyone. [ This next in halting tones: ] I didn't know that the voice would be gone and the impulse to kill wouldn't.

But I waited. Until someone gave me permission. And then I fought back when a warden tried to torture the truth out of me, and now I'm here, and I don't understand why that's right.

[ There is true frustration in his tone. He doesn't understand why this is so bad, why he's being punished for clumsily trying to rewrite his own instincts. Was he wrong? Was all of him wrong? ]

[Charles frowns, sensing that he's telling the truth even if he still can't read his mind, and wondering what exactly had happened. He needed details before he starting passing judgment on how Rorschach handled the situation, even if the other warden tended to treat situations like this with the delicacy of a wrecking ball.

He really wanted to see Zane's file, because the issue was obviously tied up in whatever ridiculous situation he'd found himself in at home, and having something to go off of here would be unquestionably useful.]

What did Cassel tell you to do?

[ Zane rubs his temple. The headache is low in his skull, at the base of it, throbbing in a rhythm that feels slightly off from his heartbeat. ]

He wouldn't leave. I warned him. Then he asked if he was important enough to be hurt.

[ Allowing the conclusion, perhaps, that Cassel goaded him into it. That neither Zane nor Cassel was quite stable enough to stop what happened. ]

Why would that matter?

[He didn't want to directly ask if Cassel had goaded him into it, not wanting to lead him to answer that way if he thought that was what Charles wanted him to say, but that was definitely sort of what it sounded like. He just didn't understand the significance of Cassel being considered important or not.]

Because if you care enough to hurt someone, it means you care.

[ Which is the most basic of terms that he can put this into. ]

I knew I was most effective when my father tried to have me killed.

[ It makes sense to him. ]

[Oh.

Yikes.]

Zane- [He stops himself, wondering how on Earth he's supposed to put this.] I don't know what you've been taught to believe, but that's not true at all. Caring about someone means you'd do anything to keep them from harm, not cause them further hurt.

[And the idea that he was taught the opposite was true was just disgusting and beyond sad, and he wondered again what sort of world he was from, that people dominated others based on abilities and people would manipulate others into thinking they were insane.]

[ He's trying to understand. He really is. ]

He said it made him feel better.

[ And it did the same for Zane. Released an anger that he hadn't known he was holding so tightly. ]

Wanting to feel pain as some sort of cathartic release isn't healthy. I don't know Cassel particularly well, but I can say that isn't a good coping mechanism. [And he made a mental note to talk to Kon about it, because if Cassel was going to be goading other people into beating the hell out of him to feel better, clearly there were some more serious problems here beyond him being an obnoxious teenager.

And Charles is trying to understand, too, which is why he presses gently and asks his next question.]

Why did you do it? Because you care about him?

[ Charles can't be right. He can't be, because no one in Zane's life has ever acted to reduce the harm that befalls him. No one, not even Vin.

Not his father.

No, this is the desperate, clinging thought of a child. Zane knows his father has no regard for him. He shouldn't disbelieve Charles' words just because of that.

He takes a breath, a shaky one. ]

Because he understood me. I understood him.

It just happened.

[Desperation has become something Charles is all too familiar with, and so he's not eager to back Zane into a corner where he feels that he either needs to lash out or collapse in on himself, not while he's down here. He knows he's still not really over what had happened in the past, and while he still wants the full story, he can't push him like this.

So it makes him back off a little, and change tactics.]

What did Rorschach do when he found you?

[ It leaves Zane floundering. He's expecting Charles to push more. He expects everyone to push - that's how the world works, in pushes and pulls. ]

He... [ Zane takes a second and a half too long to gather his scattered thoughts. ]

He demanded I tell him the truth. When I did, he didn't believe me.

[ And he realizes that telling Charles all that he did could be to his advantage. ]

I tried to get away. To find Kon, or another warden, but he wouldn't let me. [ He gives a hint of a pause, lets those words hit, gauging Charles' reaction. ] And he dragged me here.

He was angry. When I fought back, I damaged his mask. I think I ruined it.

[He's not quite sure what to make of that, resolving to add Rorschach to his list of people he needs to talk to about this later, because he does feel in some way responsible for Zane, even if he's not his inmate. He thinks he can actually help him, and considering how things have been lately, that's almost an unfamiliar feeling. Not unwelcome, not unfamiliar, but... it's been a while since he's felt like he can do some actual good.]

Are you hurt? [Zane looked uncomfortable rather than bruised, which Charles knew was probably a minor miracle if he'd actually squabbled with Rorschach considering the man was certainly a very capable fighter, but he could always be nursing an injury Charles couldn't see.]

I don't want a doctor.

[ He has bruises. He doesn't show them when he moves. He would never show an injury. ]

Can I ask why? [He's still assuming it's nothing serious, but people's reasons for wanting to avoid doctors or infirmaries usually told you something about them, and since it's sensitive ground, it's probably better to get it out in the open sooner rather than later.]

I don't trust... [ Anyone. ] Them.

I can assure you, both Merlin and Dr. Banner are perfectly trustworthy individuals, but I won't try to make you go see them if you genuinely don't want to.

[Other people might try to push for it though, if the situation was worse, and if you're bleeding all over the floor, you're going to the doctor. :v]

I don't let healers touch me anymore.

[ When did he stop that? There was a time when he trusted those men.

It stopped... He can't remember when it stopped. It seems to him that this must be significant. ]

When I was hurt, I treated my own wounds. I used pewter to make my body heal.

[Charles assumes it is - some kind of trauma, or brainwashing, or who knows what - but again, he doesn't push. For now, he meant what he said about not forcing him into it.

And hey, speaking of which.]

I asked the Admiral for some tin and copper for you. When you've been released from Zero, let me know and I can give it to you.

[ His body language changes again. Intent, but hopeful, now. ]

...thank you.

It should be one more day.

I disappointed you.

Yes. [There's no real point in lying about it, and maybe it's not fair to be disappointed in someone he barely knows, but.] I understand that there's some [He's not sure what the right word to use is, and the one he ends up settling on isn't really the best choice.] cultural misunderstanding here, but brutalizing a teenager, even if they ask for it, isn't something most of us feel is justified. That's why Rorschach brought you to Level Zero, although having an actual discussion about what happened might have been helpful first.

I don't understand why no one considers him old enough to make his own decisions.

[ These discussions are helpful. The people who have taken time to talk to him haven't wasted that time. He listens; he tries. It's just tempting to dismiss the gap of understanding by saying that he is insane. ]

It's a bit more complicated than that, I think. [He takes a moment to answer, looking around a bit as he considers how best to do so. He feels sort of stupid just standing here, talking, instead of being able to pull over a chair or whatever, but sitting on the floor seems somehow more awkward.] For some people, myself included, it's difficult to think of teenagers or other younger people without thinking about our own siblings or children. It can be difficult to let them make their own choices when we feel as if we need to protect them from failure or being hurt, and in an instance like this, it's particularly complicated because indulging in self destructive behavior is something people take quite seriously regardless of how old the person is.

I don't think he isn't old enough to make his own decisions, but wanting to be hurt to feel better about yourself isn't healthy behavior. That isn't a choice anyone should be encouraged to make, regardless of age, because it's clear there's a very serious problem that needs to be dealt with before they damage themselves irreparably.

[ He sent his own half-siblings to die. He did it without remorse; if they wanted to live, they shouldn't have obeyed him. If they wanted to live, they should have fought better. They had their chance.

So this, perhaps, doesn't quite resonate with him. Or that part of his mind shuts down and makes sure it doesn't resonate. ]

I wouldn't have hurt him in a way he couldn't heal from.

And Barbara Gordon said that self-destructiveness is all right if it's the only way to stop yourself from losing control. You don't agree?

No, I don't. [He's already seen first hand how much damage that can do to a person, and it's never something pleasant to watch.] You have to learn a new way to prevent yourself from losing control. It certainly isn't easy, but it's much more constructive than turning to something hurtful to feel better about yourself.

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