36 metals ; homeward

[godsays]

[ private to marsh ]

Do you think your god - the new god - could use someone like me?

[ spam, cassel ]

[ He seeks Cassel out, after the conversation with Marsh, knocks at his door. Cassel is family; family is the first he's going to tell.

He won't be gone forever. Just for a little while. Just enough to get his bearings again. ]

[ spam, emperor ]

[ Lying idly in the Emperor's garden, brushing a soft leaf between his fingertips. ]

I'm going to go home.

[ This is stated somewhat tentatively. Not because he isn't mostly sure about the decision, but because he isn't sure how it will be taken. ]

[ video, locked to close cr; includes Cassel, Barbara, Iris, Bush, Chris, Anya, Charles, Morgana, Kelsier, Marsh, Vin, Emperor, possibly others I have missed, ask if confused ]

I'm going - home. To Scadrial. The planet where I was born. Years after I died, and I hear it's a little different now, but I'm going.

I'm don't think I'm ready for this - being a warden - yet. That's all.

I'll be back. This is more home to me than anywhere else has been.

[ locked to mistcast ]

If there's anything you want me to find, or find out, tell me now.

[ video ; open ]

I'll be leaving, temporarily. If you have business with me, we should conclude it now.

Comments

[heisrisen]

[Relief is better than numbness. But there's a hard edge in him now that doesn't evaporate with the clarification, buried too deep for any external sign. He's been selfish, letting love sway him as much as he has. He needs to go home. The only question is: while Zane is gone, or after he's back. He strokes Zane's hair, and decides he can be a little bit selfish. Time is strange, after all.]

We'll miss you terribly. But you should go, if that's what you need. It's a very brave thing.

[godsays]

Brave?

Leaving you here, to all of this?

[ Closes his eyes as he says this, the better to turn his head towards the stroking hand. ]

[heisrisen]

Looking at yourself - honestly. What you're ready for and what you're not, and doing something about it. That's one of the hardest things anyone can do.

[godsays]

I don't want to leave the people here.

It's all the family I have. All the things I wanted.

[ Just, other things, too. Maybe things he didn't want, that have to come with it. ]

[heisrisen]

[Part of him wants to say, if you don't come back I will tear your home apart brick by brick when I leave. But grandiose threats are for supervillains. If Zane finds a place that suits him better - and he might, because he is splendid, because he could make himself welcome anywhere now that he is less sharply twisted inside himself - the Emperor will simply do it, and spare Zane the pain of knowing.]

I love you.

[He curls over Zane, kisses him upside-down and contorted.]

I know what it feels like. To walk away from everyone you love and everything you know because it's what you have to do. When I left Ebran the first time -

I'd been working toward it for years. It was the life I wanted. I was still terrified.

[godsays]

This is the life I want. It's here.

But you saw what I said. There's a step - between everything. Maybe the Admiral's given me time on purpose, but I think I need to be free for a while, too.

[ He reaches up, to run a finger along Aslan's nose. ] You understand. I don't need to tell you.

[heisrisen]

I know.

[He smiles softly, nuzzles Zane's finger.]

I wish I could see it.

[godsays]

[ A little echoing smile. ]

You'll be all right?

[heisrisen]

I'll endure.

[godsays]

But will you be all right.

[heisrisen]

Yes, love.

[He will be hurt by Zane's absence, enough for Zane to know he matters, but not enough to worry over. It's a careful balance and he strikes it neatly. The truth is messier on both edges.]

[godsays]

[ A slow nod. He is sure and not-sure at once. Occupying two states of mind, even though he already knows which one is going to win in the end. ]