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13th metal . spam & text . cw: self-harm
[ He winds long bandages around his arms before he goes to take a shower, covering himself from elbow to palm. He makes it look more like gauntlets than anything else, to minimize any questions asked, moves furtively and quickly, dodges out as soon as possible. And he longs for the days when the servants had to bring him a bath, and he didn't care what they saw - let them gossip, let them spread the word that he hurts himself. Let it add to the terror they see in him.
Here, it only adds to his shame and frustration. The voice is gone, and he shouldn't need to control himself this way, but the longer he resists, the greater the need becomes, and he always gives in eventually.
It seems wrong to him, anyway, that his arms are mostly bare of scars. That his chest, too, is unmarked. That the other evidence of his violent life is erased, leaving his skin as ordinary as a child's. Sometimes he remembers the scars and he feels the temptation to bring them back.
He has also often been stepping into the gardens and the greenhouse lately, mostly just sitting still and watching the plants. He recognizes their progress. Tries, though it makes him feel a little ridiculous, to murmur things to them sometimes. To talk to them. ]
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If you have scars, are they important to you? Do you think they matter?
[ video ; private to Charles ]
I told Megamind you wouldn't object to me attending school. I knew it was the kind of thing that you like.
Here, it only adds to his shame and frustration. The voice is gone, and he shouldn't need to control himself this way, but the longer he resists, the greater the need becomes, and he always gives in eventually.
It seems wrong to him, anyway, that his arms are mostly bare of scars. That his chest, too, is unmarked. That the other evidence of his violent life is erased, leaving his skin as ordinary as a child's. Sometimes he remembers the scars and he feels the temptation to bring them back.
He has also often been stepping into the gardens and the greenhouse lately, mostly just sitting still and watching the plants. He recognizes their progress. Tries, though it makes him feel a little ridiculous, to murmur things to them sometimes. To talk to them. ]
[ text ]
If you have scars, are they important to you? Do you think they matter?
[ video ; private to Charles ]
I told Megamind you wouldn't object to me attending school. I knew it was the kind of thing that you like.
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[Hey, it's the barge. Maybe it's magic that could just be undone.]
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I don't know how you'd get a tattoo here or if that provide the same kind of reassurance, though. And you'll want it permanent.
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But that sounds - powerful.
[Resonant.]
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Just making sure, mister 'I should be better now'.
I wouldn't call it cheating, though. It's...if you need that reassurance, then making it happen is a good step, I think.
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There's something powerful in...washing away, too. We're supposed to get fresh starts here, right?
If you need it because you don't want to be without the reminder, then you should have it. But if you didn't want it, I think you'd have a right to...be free of the brands and traces, even if it was still part of you.
If you're doing what you need, I don't think it's cheating either way.
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I'm. Going to ask Charles to help.
[ This is risky. ]
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[...yes, it is.]
You think he'll go for it?
[She doubts it, but she and Charles fail to understand each other on a depressingly regular basis.]
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[She ducks her head, one hand dragging through her hair, a little self-comforting, a little ashamed.]
I think you could be more okay without it than you imagine, but I hope you find someone who'll help you do it - right. And safe.
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