04 . Spam for pre-arranged threads

[godsays]

[ He settles into his own mind with a jarring sense of wrongness, from thoughts that fell in orderly lines to a jumble, mismatched and unsettling. With the ebb of the flood, he has changed, from sanity to the lack of same, and he feels the difference all the more starkly now that he knows for certain what both of them mean.

Heel of his hand rubs at the lump over his breastbone.

He would be sane, if not for the voice. Is that what this meant? Or was it the weakness in his heart that stopped him from being as dangerous as he otherwise would have been? Was the Admiral's goal to take away his teeth, to make him meek? Or was this truly a lesson he should take to heart?

He tries to herd his thoughts, settles into stillness in the corner. Utter stillness, not moving a muscle for hours.

In the meantime: his door is closed. ]

Comments

[godsays]

Possible in my world.

[patheticvillain]

It is or it isn't?

[godsays]

[ He doesn't answer, but shoots Cassel a look of conflict-indecision-anger. He is furious, and he is terrified, and he doesn't know what he should be. ]

[patheticvillain]

[Sometimes Zane's really difficult to understand. There's a sense communicated that's very clear, though, so Cassel just nods and lets the silence rest, the anger. Something has been kept from Zane. He has a right to be angry.]

[godsays]

[ It's after another long silence that he speaks. ]

It could have been someone telling me to kill. All that time.

I haven't heard the voice since I got here.

[patheticvillain]

[It's a terrifying thought, somebody reaching into a person's head and persuading them to do one thing or another. Unfortunately it's not a thought that's foreign to Cassel, and he goes pale thinking about it.]

I'm - [He clears his throat.] Do you miss it?

[Like Cassel misses the world that never was, where his brother looked out for him while he killed people who got in their way with a smile on his face.]

[godsays]

[ A subtle flinch. ]

You can hate something and hate that it abandoned you at once.

[ It's almost a question, the tentative way he says it. ]

[patheticvillain]

[It's mirrored, followed by a nod.]

Yeah. You can. Lots of people do.

[He thinks about adding I do, but presses the heel of his hand to his temple instead, hard. Zane's the opposite of trustworthy.]

[godsays]

[ Doesn't matter. He doesn't have to say it. Zane can see it written all over him.

Zane stirs, finally, a subtle shift of position. (This whole time, he has been eerily still, breathing the only motion he allows himself.) ]

When I was a warden, I didn't remember ever hearing a voice. That was the difference.

If something changed me, then why am I here?

[patheticvillain]

[Cassel licks his lips - distinctly uncomfortable, wanting to flee, but he can't, not after that question. He wants to know, too. Sometimes he thinks he has an answer that makes sense, sometimes he's not sure.]

[Zane's the opposite of trustworthy, but Cassel has so much information on him already, maybe it won't matters if he gives something back. Maybe. Barron would call him an idiot, but sometimes he just doesn't give a damn what Barron thinks.]

People made me do things. Used me. So I did bad things but I didn't - I don't think I meant to.

[Part of the trouble is he can't remember. Barron says he enjoyed it, was eager for it, but there's no way of knowing.]

Somebody changed me. I - guess I have to change back.

[godsays]

You don't know?

[ Whether he meant to or not. ]

[patheticvillain]

I don't remember.

[godsays]

Oh.

[ A nod. Yeah, that blows. No two ways about it. ]

[patheticvillain]

[Cassel nods in return. It pretty much does.]

So maybe it's not that different. I mean, maybe there's something in your control that they want you to change.

[godsays]

[ He's lying to himself if he says he doesn't know. He knows. He hurt her. He took advantage of her, and manipulated her, and when she didn't bend to his will, he hurt her.

And he knows it's wrong.

But she killed him. Isn't that enough?

He doesn't meet Cassel's eyes. ]

Would you rather be dead, or here?

[patheticvillain]

[Dead, or here.]

[Cassel stares at him. Why would he ask that question? Why is that - no, because if Cassel's dead it means he died doing something that mattered, at least. But here, there are people who matter to him.]

[He hates that. There's only supposed to be one person who matters.]

Being dead's boring.

[godsays]

At least when you're dead, it's over.

[ You don't have to fight anymore. ]

[patheticvillain]

I don't want it to be over.

[Things you don't realize until you say them out loud.]

[godsays]

Why not?

[ He wants to hear Cassel's reasons and find out if any of them apply to him. If any of them explain the mess inside his mind. ]

[patheticvillain]

Because - I don't know. I think there's something else I'm supposed to do.

[He wouldn't say any of this, usually. But he feels like he's talking to himself. It doesn't count as trust, somehow, or that's how he excuses it.]

There's a girl. But it's not just that anymore. [His mouth twists. He feels like he's betraying her. But it's out there, now.]

[godsays]

[ He doesn't feel like he's supposed to do anything. He'd thought, when he was told what this place was for, that he'd been supposed to get better. Subsequent events have left that somewhat shaky.

He recognizes and accepts the impulse to confess. By his silence, Zane has often drawn confessions from others. Even distrustful others, provided they thought they had someone who understood in Zane.

He did understand, with Vin. He understands now. ]

The girl was the one who killed me. I don't think she'd appreciate it if I wanted to live for her.

[patheticvillain]

[That makes him laugh.]

Well. She's tried to kill me enough times, she's probably mad she missed her chance.

But you don't want to live.

[godsays]

[ A twitch, at the corner of his mouth. ]

I don't know.

[patheticvillain]

I guess you better find out.

[godsays]

If I say I will, does that mean you'll leave?