04 . Spam for pre-arranged threads

[godsays]

[ He settles into his own mind with a jarring sense of wrongness, from thoughts that fell in orderly lines to a jumble, mismatched and unsettling. With the ebb of the flood, he has changed, from sanity to the lack of same, and he feels the difference all the more starkly now that he knows for certain what both of them mean.

Heel of his hand rubs at the lump over his breastbone.

He would be sane, if not for the voice. Is that what this meant? Or was it the weakness in his heart that stopped him from being as dangerous as he otherwise would have been? Was the Admiral's goal to take away his teeth, to make him meek? Or was this truly a lesson he should take to heart?

He tries to herd his thoughts, settles into stillness in the corner. Utter stillness, not moving a muscle for hours.

In the meantime: his door is closed. ]

Comments

[godsays]

[ Doesn't matter. He doesn't have to say it. Zane can see it written all over him.

Zane stirs, finally, a subtle shift of position. (This whole time, he has been eerily still, breathing the only motion he allows himself.) ]

When I was a warden, I didn't remember ever hearing a voice. That was the difference.

If something changed me, then why am I here?

[patheticvillain]

[Cassel licks his lips - distinctly uncomfortable, wanting to flee, but he can't, not after that question. He wants to know, too. Sometimes he thinks he has an answer that makes sense, sometimes he's not sure.]

[Zane's the opposite of trustworthy, but Cassel has so much information on him already, maybe it won't matters if he gives something back. Maybe. Barron would call him an idiot, but sometimes he just doesn't give a damn what Barron thinks.]

People made me do things. Used me. So I did bad things but I didn't - I don't think I meant to.

[Part of the trouble is he can't remember. Barron says he enjoyed it, was eager for it, but there's no way of knowing.]

Somebody changed me. I - guess I have to change back.

[godsays]

You don't know?

[ Whether he meant to or not. ]

[patheticvillain]

I don't remember.

[godsays]

Oh.

[ A nod. Yeah, that blows. No two ways about it. ]

[patheticvillain]

[Cassel nods in return. It pretty much does.]

So maybe it's not that different. I mean, maybe there's something in your control that they want you to change.

[godsays]

[ He's lying to himself if he says he doesn't know. He knows. He hurt her. He took advantage of her, and manipulated her, and when she didn't bend to his will, he hurt her.

And he knows it's wrong.

But she killed him. Isn't that enough?

He doesn't meet Cassel's eyes. ]

Would you rather be dead, or here?

[patheticvillain]

[Dead, or here.]

[Cassel stares at him. Why would he ask that question? Why is that - no, because if Cassel's dead it means he died doing something that mattered, at least. But here, there are people who matter to him.]

[He hates that. There's only supposed to be one person who matters.]

Being dead's boring.

[godsays]

At least when you're dead, it's over.

[ You don't have to fight anymore. ]

[patheticvillain]

I don't want it to be over.

[Things you don't realize until you say them out loud.]

[godsays]

Why not?

[ He wants to hear Cassel's reasons and find out if any of them apply to him. If any of them explain the mess inside his mind. ]

[patheticvillain]

Because - I don't know. I think there's something else I'm supposed to do.

[He wouldn't say any of this, usually. But he feels like he's talking to himself. It doesn't count as trust, somehow, or that's how he excuses it.]

There's a girl. But it's not just that anymore. [His mouth twists. He feels like he's betraying her. But it's out there, now.]

[godsays]

[ He doesn't feel like he's supposed to do anything. He'd thought, when he was told what this place was for, that he'd been supposed to get better. Subsequent events have left that somewhat shaky.

He recognizes and accepts the impulse to confess. By his silence, Zane has often drawn confessions from others. Even distrustful others, provided they thought they had someone who understood in Zane.

He did understand, with Vin. He understands now. ]

The girl was the one who killed me. I don't think she'd appreciate it if I wanted to live for her.

[patheticvillain]

[That makes him laugh.]

Well. She's tried to kill me enough times, she's probably mad she missed her chance.

But you don't want to live.

[godsays]

[ A twitch, at the corner of his mouth. ]

I don't know.

[patheticvillain]

I guess you better find out.

[godsays]

If I say I will, does that mean you'll leave?

[patheticvillain]

Hm . . .

[Just gonna pretend to think about this for a minute.]

Probably not, no.

[godsays]

[ So Zane tries the next best thing: manipulating him into going. ]

You've started to trust me. It's not a good idea.

[patheticvillain]

It's not a good idea to trust anyone, [Cassel counters, almost haughtily, to cover up the fact that he knows it's true and it makes him uneasy.] I'm pretty sure I never said I was smart.

[godsays]

[ Cassel had better not turn this back on Zane, who, he himself admits, has probably said far too much. ]

Then why do it? Only because it's not a good idea?

[patheticvillain]

No. Because I felt like it. And because I figured there was something interesting in here.

[His eyes traverse the decor, any little things that he could pick up and slip in his pocket. He does this very deliberately. It's also a lie. Sure he'd take something if he could, but that's not why.]

Why haven't you kicked me out yet?

[godsays]

[ There just isn't much. Inkwell and quill, a few blank papers. Chest of clothes. What should have been metal - belt buckles, cuff links and the like - are more often painted wood.

He lives a spartan life. ]

Maybe I don't want to move.

[patheticvillain]

[Cassel would steal the inkwell just to be obnoxious.]

Maybe you enjoy my company.

[godsays]

Maybe I don't want to hurt anyone inside the walls of a prison.

[ He's supposed to be getting better, after all. ]