5th Metal / open video

[godsays]

[ The video turns on Zane, who is somewhat disheveled, but, to the discerning eye, different than usual. Something too intent and high-strung has been muted, and there is a dangerous hint in his eyes. ]

Cassel is... hurt.

Someone needs to collect him.

Level 4, Cabin 12.

[ And video off. ]



[ ACTION SPAM (edited to add) ]

[ And now Zane is in zero.

He sits alone, arms crossed over his chest, his face hard and blank.

Come and visit! ]

Comments

Video

[godsays]

Yes.

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[bodilesswarrior]

[Barbara's quiet, for a moment, searching his face. He seems sincere, but he'd hardly be the only expert liar on this boat.]

Why would he does that?

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[godsays]

[ Most of the time he's a very good liar.

Possibly not, right now. He's off-balance. ]

I can't read his mind.

[ ie, he has a few good guesses but isn't sure he wants to talk about it. ]

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[bodilesswarrior]

[Her eyebrows arch.]

No, but you've got some insights, I think. I won't ask, though. [That's for Cassel to tell, if he wants.]

I would like to know why he'd choose you, specifically.

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[godsays]

We didn't really choose.

We... understood each other.

[ An abrupt and sideways moment of understanding. It just happened. A confluence of needs, not a series of decisions. ]

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[bodilesswarrior]

[Again, Barbara considers him, less suspiciously this time.]

You helped each other?

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[godsays]

I think so.

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[bodilesswarrior]

[Barbara stares at him for a moment, before pushing a hand through her hair and sighing.]

I'm glad you did. But it was a stupid way to go about it.

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[godsays]

Why?

[ He's legitimately asking. Why was this in particular stupid? What was wrong with it? ]

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[bodilesswarrior]

What Cassel did was self-destructive. Enabling that - it's only going to make his problems worse.

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[godsays]

He'll heal from this. I wouldn't have killed him.

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[bodilesswarrior]

[Barbara smiles, shaking her head.]

That's not the point, Zane. That's good, but it's not the point.

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[godsays]

If someone needs to be hurt to stop themselves from losing control, then is hurting them a bad thing?

[ He's not actually talking about Cassel, now. ]

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[bodilesswarrior]

[That brings her up short, and her eyes widen slightly.]

Define "losing control".

Video | Private warning for self-harm

[godsays]

[ Like this, is what he wants to say. Like hurting someone. But hurting people has always been right. Being ruthless was necessary to survive.

'Self-destructive' - when she said that, it made him think of the scars on his arms. How drawing blood helped him resist the pull of the voice, helped him keep in control of himself. ]

Like killing someone you don't want to kill.

[ Want being an iffy term, here. The desire to kill can pound through Zane's body, can warp all of his thoughts, and yet he can know that what he wants is something else. To achieve a longer goal.

It must be that people can want different things at once. ]

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[bodilesswarrior]

[After a moment, quietly.] If it's the only way, then no. It's not.

But it would be good to try and find a better one.

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[godsays]

[ And here he mentally ticks her into the category of people who, while they might not understand completely, understand enough. People who can explain to him how any of this makes sense. ]

And hurting someone else isn't a better one.

[ The first admission that perhaps he needed something specific out of Cassel too. ]

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[bodilesswarrior]

[Her smile this time is soft and slight and a little proud.]

No, it's not.

...It's a process. Figuring out what works. How to be who we want to be.

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[godsays]

So that's why we're here.

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[bodilesswarrior]

That's the idea, yeah. The Admiral doesn't exactly run a tight ship, but the concept is a good one. Broadly speaking.

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[godsays]

It makes more sense than redemption.

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[bodilesswarrior]

I guess that depends on how you define redemption. Part of moving forward is admitting what you did wrong and learning from it.

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[godsays]

Redemption means making up for it.

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[bodilesswarrior]

And the Barge, ideally, gives you the motive and means to do that.

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[godsays]

It's impossible.