godsays | 36 metals ; homeward

[ private to marsh ]

Do you think your god - the new god - could use someone like me?

[ spam, cassel ]

[ He seeks Cassel out, after the conversation with Marsh, knocks at his door. Cassel is family; family is the first he's going to tell.

He won't be gone forever. Just for a little while. Just enough to get his bearings again. ]

[ spam, emperor ]

[ Lying idly in the Emperor's garden, brushing a soft leaf between his fingertips. ]

I'm going to go home.

[ This is stated somewhat tentatively. Not because he isn't mostly sure about the decision, but because he isn't sure how it will be taken. ]

[ video, locked to close cr; includes Cassel, Barbara, Iris, Bush, Chris, Anya, Charles, Morgana, Kelsier, Marsh, Vin, Emperor, possibly others I have missed, ask if confused ]

I'm going - home. To Scadrial. The planet where I was born. Years after I died, and I hear it's a little different now, but I'm going.

I'm don't think I'm ready for this - being a warden - yet. That's all.

I'll be back. This is more home to me than anywhere else has been.

[ locked to mistcast ]

If there's anything you want me to find, or find out, tell me now.

[ video ; open ]

I'll be leaving, temporarily. If you have business with me, we should conclude it now.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I think I'm going to go - back to Scadriel. For a little while.

Can I come in?

[And now he's just blank. Empty.]

No. [He can't come in. Not to his room. Not now. It's different from when Chris said he wanted to go, somehow. It terrifies him.]

Why? Why now?

[ Zane is raw, in contrast. Nothing of his emotions is hidden. There's still the ugliness that he'd stumbled on inside him, and there's naked fear, because by doing this he'll be stepping away, even temporarily, from all that he loves. All that he wants. ]

It was something Iris said. That being here, having all of this - it comes with a job. With being a warden.

I'm not ready.

So you need to leave.

[Me.]

I'm afraid, Cassel. All that I care about is here, but what if I'm not good enough? I'd rather make myself get demoted than have to leave here permanently, but demotion doesn't last. I want forever. I want to be good enough to be a warden, so I can know that I can stay here.

And I want to know what it's like to be myself. And free. At the same time.

[ He isn't explaining it well, he thinks. He's choking on the words. He hopes desperately that he can make Cassel understand. ]

You are free.

[But it's feeble. Being on the Barge isn't the same as being free. He knows this. He loves it here, it's his home, but it's not freedom, floating at the whims of the Admiral and the currents of space. He keeps himself chained here and doesn't go home in part because he's not ready, but in part because he's afraid. In part because he likes the size of this prison.]

[He closes the door from the outside and leans his head back against the wood. His chest hurts.]

[ He is silent a moment, and leans back against the wall next to Cassel. ]

My world is supposed to be different now. It's green, and alive, and the sun is yellow. There's a new god. [ His hand drifts to the spike. ] Someone who's kind. Who Marsh counts as a friend.

There might be things I can do. Ways I can help.

If you can help more there than you can here -

[Zane will stay away.]

[But this is stupid. Kon left. It's all right. His lips press together and he nods.]

No. This is right, you should go. You should go see your world. You've never seen it before, not really, not alive.

I don't care about that.

The helping, I mean. [ He looks to Cassel, and he smiles, a little. ] Maybe I should. It seems like the kind of thing a warden should care about.

But I don't. I'll come back because this is home. With the people here - that's where I belong. With you.

[ Maybe a small part of him is wishing Cassel could talk him out of it. ]

[He won't. He won't talk him either way. He won't stop feeling abandoned, either, until Zane comes back.]

[He just nods and hugs his arms.]

Then go and come home.

Cassel...?

[ He wants a hug, physical contact, a reminder. Like a token to bring with him, to rub between the fingers of memory until it's smoothed away. ]

What?

[He ducks his head, making himself small and invulnerable. Though he won't approach, he won't run or fight if Zane holds him. He just doesn't know which way to go anymore. This hurts more than he expected it to.]

[ Zane does - Zane pulls him into a tight embrace. It feels, for this moment, like his throat is so tight he can't breathe. ]

Can I show you my world? Sometime. Later. If I... like it.

[Sniffling, leaning against Zane's chest and feeling like a baby, Cassel finally relents and wraps his arms around him. Then he nods, nod opening his eyes.]

If you like it. Sure.

If it's good to you.

Cassel - [ He squeezes tight. ] You've changed me, you know that? I wouldn't be what I am now, if not for you. I wouldn't be - anything.

Don't be stupid.

[He buries his face in Zane's shoulder.]

You were always something. You were always a lot. You just didn't know it.

[ There is a tight, swelling feeling in Zane's chest. The amazing part is that he believes that, now.

It's still true, though: he believes it because of Cassel. By believing Cassel was someone. ]

Will you take care of her? Dani, I mean.

The rabbit, not the person.

[ Another way of promising to come back. ]

Yeah. 'Course I will.

Just until you get back.