I'm afraid, Cassel. All that I care about is here, but what if I'm not good enough? I'd rather make myself get demoted than have to leave here permanently, but demotion doesn't last. I want forever. I want to be good enough to be a warden, so I can know that I can stay here.

And I want to know what it's like to be myself. And free. At the same time.

[ He isn't explaining it well, he thinks. He's choking on the words. He hopes desperately that he can make Cassel understand. ]