30th metal . video . CW for unknowing marijuana use
[ Zane has a half-empty brownie plate next to him. (Courtesy of a couple certain superheroes.) He's leaning back against his bed, sitting on the floor. He licks his fingers of crumbs, and folds his arms so his elbows rest on his knees. ]
I was thinking.
[ He rubs at one of his eyes. ]
Whether or not you need someone, or love them - that doesn't have anything to do with whether you think they're - good. Good. Or good for you. You don't think like that. You think about how you feel. You don't think at all. Or you only think - in stupid ways.
You have to train someone to think that way. And will they really be happy? Calculations. Is this person better for me than they are bad... they owe me this much love to even the scales.
I've never done that. But I think it would be worse than keeping track of slight, or humiliation, or jealousy, or power. Keeping those was just ordinary. As easy as breathing or Burning.
There are some people I love who might not be very good. Here. But I love them anyway. Like family.
[ He's very intense. And keeps staring off into the distance for a second or two. ]
All my family is dead. [ Abruptly. ] Except, I think - maybe not. Probably dead.
[ He bites his lip, contemplatively. ]
I want to chew something.
[ private to Vin, Marsh, Erik, the 16th ]
Kelsier is in a coma.
[ private to Morgana, the 16th]
Help me.
[ private to Cassel, the 16th ]
I'm not holding together.
I was thinking.
[ He rubs at one of his eyes. ]
Whether or not you need someone, or love them - that doesn't have anything to do with whether you think they're - good. Good. Or good for you. You don't think like that. You think about how you feel. You don't think at all. Or you only think - in stupid ways.
You have to train someone to think that way. And will they really be happy? Calculations. Is this person better for me than they are bad... they owe me this much love to even the scales.
I've never done that. But I think it would be worse than keeping track of slight, or humiliation, or jealousy, or power. Keeping those was just ordinary. As easy as breathing or Burning.
There are some people I love who might not be very good. Here. But I love them anyway. Like family.
[ He's very intense. And keeps staring off into the distance for a second or two. ]
All my family is dead. [ Abruptly. ] Except, I think - maybe not. Probably dead.
[ He bites his lip, contemplatively. ]
I want to chew something.
[ private to Vin, Marsh, Erik, the 16th ]
Kelsier is in a coma.
[ private to Morgana, the 16th]
Help me.
[ private to Cassel, the 16th ]
I'm not holding together.
Private;
What about you?
Private;
How many people know what you can do?
Private;
A few. Maybe more - I don't keep it a secret. It was secret too often at home.
Private;
Private;
Private;
Private;
It was my father.
Private;
You ever see him here? Not like a hallucination, but- you ever 'see' him in the people here?
Private;
Private;
Private;
But -
Hannibal.
It was a flood, I know it doesn't count, but he was my father there. He turned me into his weapon. [ This, here, is much less controlled. The effects of the brownies on Zane aren't to take him anywhere near incoherence - it's just to let his emotions seep through to the surface. Here, that emotion is anguish. ]
Private;
How much does he know about you now? Enough to be dangerous?
Private;
...yes. More than enough.
Private;
What could he do with what he knows? Theoretically.
Private;
In the ways that count.
Private;
Private;
Why are you telling me this? What are you doing?
Private;
Private;
Private;
[He's quiet a second, weighing his options.]
So yeah I do care.
Private;
I won't tell anyone.
Do you regret how you... were a father?
Re: Private;
[He's quiet, and then quiet a while longer.]
I used to say it was all justified 'cause at least now, no one can beat her. She's about the safest person I know.
[He's quiet again, and feels his throat click when he tries to talk, so he swallows a few times.]
But yeah. Not an hour goes by I don't have it on my shoulders. I'd rather have her happy for a little while than safe all the time, and I took that option away.
Private;
[ It makes a difference, he thinks. Maybe not enough of a difference; she was still made into a weapon, like him. ]
My father was just - selfish. That's all. He wanted to be king. He had children so he could have a secret army, when the time came.
Re: Private;
[He offers this even though a lie had been there at the back of his tongue. He wants badly to be the good father; but that would mean rewriting history, and he's learned by now not to indulge those delusions.]
How many others like you did he have?
Private;
That sounds more familiar.
[ But there isn't any real accusation in his tone. Having the courage to admit it, and to know it's wrong, is a long step towards where you need to be to leave this Barge. ]
I'll never know.
He could have had a half-dozen houses like the one I was raised in. And there, I knew... maybe fifteen.
Private;
Private;
Private;
Private;